Sam Biddle - 

This morning I watched a video compilation of botflies—parasitic, skin-burrowing larvae—being pulled out of bleeding human flesh. Compared to this “Windows Phone 7 Fangirls Video,” the botfly footage is like butter and sugar. This internet deserves destruction. Now.

Don’t get me wrong! I totally love Windows Phone—but if there’s any truism through human civilisation, it’s that white people will ruin anything they touch if provided the chance.

The girl in red murmuring “holla,” repeatedly.

One of them says “IN DA HOOOOUSE.”

“Sleek on the outside, Microsoft inside.”

The four of them lurching from side to side, eyes blank, as if just released from some weeklong novacaine binge.

The fact that the words “keep my phone in my back pocket, Powerpoints always on my hip socket” was uttered, ever, for any reason.

This is inexcusable. How can I reverse this? If I throw my phone into Mount Doom, will my memory be cleared of this horror? What if I drink bleach? If China wants an argument to keep the web shackled for which there is no refutation, they’ll present this video before the United Nations.

I award them five points for their beat selection (Dorrough is probably sobbing right now), for a total of -99999995 points. [Thanks, Whitney!]