We already have apps that can turn your phone into a lighter and one that plays over 30 types of fart. Thanks to the Most Annoying App Ever, you can voluntarily be annoyed. That bullshit actually exists.
So, creators of apps, here's an opportunity for genuine greatness: Five brilliant ideas for apps that can truly make life better and easier. You're welcome. Now figure out how to make these real.
Never again ask the wrong woman when she's due. Get proof before you give up your bus seat. Simply take a picture of a woman's belly region, and this app tells you whether she has a bun in the oven or just forgot to wear her Spanx. It is run using the same mysterious algorithm that Heat uses to determine if a celebrity is knocked up or just a little bloated.
At a party, you run into a guy who greets you by name. You've met before, but you have no idea who he is. Give him a friendly "Hey, man!" Make small talk, slip away, and fire up the Hey Man! app. Snap a subtle photo of him. The software uses facial recognition software to troll Facebook and Google Image searches to ID him, then compares those results to your contact list, email history, and other crap like LinkedIn. You learn his name, along with key information like how you met, what he does, and whether or not you have a history with his girlfriend.
You could totally lose this gut if someone would just pay you to go to the gym every day. Well, guess what, fatty? If you buy this app—for, let's say, £100 a month—your phone's GPS function monitors your time at the gym. You can earn, say, five quid for every hour spent at the gym. Do it all month, and you can make your money back. Need more incentive? Pony up more cash. If you don't sweat, you don't get paid. Now, mush!
A blowhard is blathering on about some topic, and you know he is just absolutely wrong. Time for Instant Factcheck. This app uses voice recognition to listen to his bullshit, search out the correct information, and spit back the facts and stats you need to put him in his place. Warning: This app can provide you with a perfectly-honed argument, but it does not guarantee you won't get punched in the mouth.
That blonde guy helping with the train heist in Breaking Bad—wasn't he in Friday Night Lights? Of course he was. With this app, you just point the phone at the TV screen, take a few seconds of video, and the software recognises the actor with the skill of a seasoned casting director. Now, instead of racking your brain, combing the cast list and cross-checking IMBD, you can just peacefully enjoy watching Walt and Jesse steal thousands of gallons of methylamine.