Deciding on whether to take out mobile phone insurance is a tricky issue: it costs a heap, but it could save a stack of cash when you drop your smartphone onto bare concrete. Chances are, though, if you do ever make a claim, it will never be as ridiculous as any of these.

A UK-based mobile phone insurance company has released a list of its most amusing claims from the last twelve months. Marketing bullshit, sure, but you don’t need to worry about buying insurance from them, and they’re too funny to ignore. Just read what its customers are dumb enough to write in their claims:

A farmer in Devon claimed his phone had disappeared inside the back end of one of his cows when he’d been using the torch on his iPhone whilst assisting the cow during calving. The phone later made an appearance, but was damaged.

 

A lady in her early 40s from Nottingham claimed that she’d baked her Nokia 6303i into a Victoria Sponge she’d been making for her daughter’s birthday. It didn’t endure the heat of gas mark 5.

 

A lady in her 30s claimed she’d been walking her Cocker Spaniel on Barry Island beach, Wales, when a seagull swooped down and took her Samsung Galaxy from her hand.

 

A woman in her late 20s from Bristol claimed the vibration function on her BlackBerry Bold 9900 phone had stopped working whilst she was using it as an adult toy.

 

A 40 year old construction worker said his iPhone 4S had fallen out of his back pocket when he pulled his jeans down before sitting on the toilet. Not realising, he went about his business and flushed the chain. The phone didn’t flush, but underwent serious water damage.

 

A man in his 30s claimed he’d been filming monkeys from the car window in Longleat Safari Park with his HTC One X when a monkey climbed on the roof and snatched it.

 

A couple re-enacting the “I’m King of the World!” scene from Titanic lost their phone over the side of their cruise ship, whilst trying to take a photo of themselves.

 

A pyrotechnician was setting up a show for the National Fireworks Championships in Plymouth, and having left his iPhone 3GS within the “blast zone”, it was nowhere to be found when he returned post-show, having been fired 3,000 feet into the air before exploding in a stunning display.

 

A lady in her 20s from Liverpool admitted she’d thrown her HTC Desire X at her boyfriend, whom she’d discovered was cheating, but it missed him and hit a wall; breaking the handset.

 

Rather than paying £60 for a ticket to see Blur at their sell-out Hyde Park shows, one customer tried to film the event on his iPhone from up a nearby tree – he got a little too excited as the band came on stage though, and dropped his phone onto the ground below.

You’re welcome. Now try not to do any of that. [Mobile Insurance]