How do you prepare to meet your maker? Confess your sins, make right with your enemies, spend all of your money on an elaborate European vacation co-starring LL Cool J? Not in the Ukraine. First of all, you’re already in Europe. Second, you’re probably doing coffin therapy, the hottest and creepiest trend in afterlife acceptance.
Here’s the basic gist of Stepan Piryanyk’s weirdo business plan: supply coffins for weirdos. Let weirdos lay down in coffins for 15 minutes at a time (with or without lid!). Collect no payment, because you are a weirdo. Repeat. But a scheme this mold-breaking must surely come with an equally ghoulish backstory, no? Yes! Here’s Piryanyk on his inspiration:
“At one time our parents, as a rule, kept a coffin in the attic. Then our grandma—who didn’t have an attic—came to us because she lived in an apartment. She asked us to make something that she could put in her apartment. So we decided to make her a coffin couch.”
Hahahahaha you macabre madman, you. Besides, none of these newfangled coping mechanisms can hope with the oldest remedy in creation: drinking until you forget you’re alive in the first place. [Arbroath]