Google is so convinced you don't want to see porn that it started filtering its own search results. Bullshit. Everybody wants porn, and nobody wants to admit it. Except me, of course, I don't look at that smut. But for the rest of you: It's time to fess up.

After all, everybody knows you're doing it anyway.

 

Your Family Already Knows

Not every sex-crazed degenerate online has the wherewithal to read a brilliant tutorial on watching porn and getting away with it. But someone in your family is tech-savvy enough to know what they're doing. They've used the computer after you, and they've gone through your sordid search history, and closed the vile windows you only managed to minimise. They know.

And you know what? You know they're doing the same. So why not just be open about it?

 

Your Roommates Already Know

So you think you know how to watch porn in your dorm room. Let me tell you, it takes a special kind of stealthy and depraved to pull that off for the whole semester. The room is just too cluttered and disorganised and bunk-bedded to hide every little crumpled-up, crusty item of evidence.

Look, you're in college. Go meet someone. Say hello after class. Make a date. Put a sock on the door handle. This might actually be the one time in your life that, if you'd just apply yourself a little, you actually wouldn't have to pretend you weren't looking at porn. Because you'd be with a real live freewheelin' undergrad, just like you!

 

Your Colleagues Know

So you're all grown up. You've got a real job. And you're still pretending you aren't looking at porn. Just listen to Kyle Wagner's euphemistic overtures about the Nexus 10 in his recent review of the best full-size tablet:

The Nexus also has a strange design detail that makes it tricky to hold with one hand. It's slightly thicker on one end than the other-a wedge design sort of like an ultrabook. But the thick side has that sort-of slippery backplate, which can slide from your grip, and holding the skinny side leaves you supporting the heavy end uncomfortably. Another small thing that will wear on you using it every day for weeks.

Every day for weeks. We know what this one-handed business is about, Kyle, coming from a guy who spent Thanksgiving most grateful for incognito browser sessions.

I mean, say what you will about @dogboner, but at least it's a straightforward position. Listen to this platitude from Tuesday:

The answer is you. And your employer, financially. But mostly you.

To the dogboners of the world: Just cop to your lascivious, shameful porn consumption during the workday. Pray you don't get canned. Because then what would you do with all that free time?

User Manual is Gizmodo's guide to etiquette.