Yeah, yeah, I know, Valentine's Day is just a consumerist Hallmark holiday, not really a celebration of true love, blah blah blah. But that doesn't mean you can't have a little fun with this extra-special evening -- so rather than jewellery or flowers, why don't you increase the luuuurve with something that makes your beloved go "ooh" and "aah." Literally. Oh, and NSFW, because...duh?
This is the Crave Duet, a dual-headed vibrator that charges via USB, and has a whole 16GB of storage in the attached flash drive (for porn, because it's a vibrator-shaped USB drive so of course it's for porn). It's a wee bit pricey at £230, but to be fair, it is gold -- and we all know girls love gold, almost as much as they love black siliconised vibratey thingy. £230 from Crave.
The 2.OH (why oh why do sex toys all have such terrible names?) is one of those two-part vibrators. The, ahem, business end goes where you'd expect, and then you get a remote control with a built-in mike, which literally makes you move with the beat. Or, if there's no music, you (or your partner) can use the manual override to make things happen. £50 from Amazon.
Contrary to popular belief, sex toys aren't just for women and they don't all have to look like massive, garishly-coloured cocks. The Tenga 3D is, put simply, a 'Male Masturbation Sleeve' -- or a Fleshlight, basically. Only this one looks like some kind of Origami sculpture, rather than a silicone vagina, and that's a bit more socially acceptable when someone stumbles on it hidden in the bedside drawer. £45 from Tenga
The Vivi is a good ole' remote-control vibrator, but that remote control harnesses all the mighty sexual power of the internet to control your device from afar. Designed for long-distance couples with a minor kinky streak, the guy (or girl, not judging) in control has manual options, and a microphone to let you rock along to some banging 'tunes. £140 from Remote Pleasure.
Some sex toys are exactly what they say on the tin -- this one doesn't need much imagination. Once you have it 'installed' in the right place, the buttons let you fiddle with the level of 'stimulation'. Oh, and it's got a magnetic induction charger a la MacBook (someone else for you to sue, Apple), meaning it's totally waterproof, so you can get as kinky as you like.
Sometimes, simple things are best. Although the Shy vibrators aren't internet-connected or anything like that, they are sensitive to temperature, so you can pop them on ice before, erm, use. Plus, there's no cables or wires -- and to be honest, that's a good thing. Sex toys that look too much like medical implements can, I'm reliably informed, be a bit off-putting. £70 from Shy
If you'd like to win one of three Shy vibrators, please leave a comment below requesting your preference of either red, black or purple, and we'll choose one winner for each colour at random, at 9am Friday 15th February. UPDATED: The commenters whose lucky numbers came up were Despot, Igsey and Wolfeeh. Have fun!
Image credit: Passionate woman from Shutterstock