37 
It’s over, my friends. This is the end. Today—today I want to talk to you about Tamago Egg, the app that ends all apps. After you download it, there will be no need for you to download any other app ever again. It’s game over.
Tamago Egg’s premise is deceptively simple: tap on this egg one million times. One fucking million times. The egg starts to crack and something will happen at the end. What happens, you ask? This:
SPOILER ALERT (it doesn’t matter if you see this, because you’ve already decided you want to play this anyway. YOU WANT TO.)
That’s it.
So why deceptively simple? Because Tamago Egg is no app. Tamago Egg is an existential trap. It’s showing you the light, if you still have eyes to see.
Tamago Egg is a symbol of the aborted omelette that is your life. Our life. This app is a metaphor. A social provocation. A call to revolt against the the establishment. To change the world. Tamago Egg is a complete philosophical system in and on itself, the pinnacle of thinking that went from Socrates to Aristotle to Kant and Kierkegaard to these handful of megabytes in iTunes and Google Play. This app is all there is, the perfect summary of our modern world. One million taps to crack a stupid egg. One million taps to get ten million points in Temple Run. Another one for texts, for mails, for Twitter, for Facebook. A hundred thousand million taps to call your friends and family. At the end it’s all the same. Tap, tap, tap. TAP! Tap your screen. Tap your keyboard. Tap your trackpad. That’s all we do. Every single day.
You are spending your life tapping on all this crap for what exactly? Nothing. That’s what. You get nothing, Sir. NOTHING. A fucking cracked egg. A tombstone with an epitaph that says “So, What?”
But then again, so, what?
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Wow, I think Jesus has hit rock bottom.
Agreed! I think he’s a couple of eggs short of an omelette …
*groans* *claps* bravo sir, bravo.
yes, he has definitely cracked.
apps like this show us there is not much hope for humanity.
Sounds like it really could scramble your mind…
Brain: Fried.
Haha, are you kidding me? This post was great. His humour at its best.
Agreed – I found it quite funny!
I know, I was taking the piss. It’s a detour from his usual.
Alrighty then…wasn’t so obvious.
“A hundred thousand million taps to call your friends and family… …You get nothing, Sir. NOTHING.”
Errrr…. bit of a contradiction there. I tap numbers to call my friends,.. and geee… I get to talk to my friends! Obv. that’s not enough for Jesus.
Surely a million taps would give you a callous, wonder if there’s a health hazard warning to the app?.
I understand the concept, but this rant is over the top. Also “The Simpsons: Tapped Out” is a similar concept, and more enjoyable.
I think his humour went over your head a bit — he was just exaggerating how many taps it takes to dial people’s numbers, over the course of however long we’ll be using phones for.
Kat, PLEASE for the love of god stop reposting articles by Jesus. Repost the odd one in a thousand that is actually worth the read by all means but most of his stuff is just terrible linkbait and makes GizUK look bad!
At least put your editing hat on and publicly accept that you ‘passed’ this article for UK consumption and then we know who to blame
Yep, it was me, and I’ll be honest: I frickin’ loved this post.
fair enough
You must remember: People will generally only comment if they have something to argue about. Unfortunately. So while you, or other commenters might dislike something, that’s just personal taste — and many others may well have enjoyed it.
Pretty much every article from Jesus has multiple comments saying how crap it is and very rarely does he get praise (usually he just happens to pick a topic that is interesting even if the actual article is still crap). As I understand it there are plenty of articles that don’t make their way from the American Giz to the UK one (haven’t visited there since GizUK started), so why not just let them keep Jesus as well? For the one or two people that might actually miss him they’ll know where to find him.
Or let me offer a rebuttal: Maybe commenters just subscribe to the lowest common denominator, and anyone with taste who happens to like his posts, doesn’t actually comment on the internet? It’s evident that Jesus’s humour goes over commenters heads, but readers-who-don’t-comment? You’d be surprised.
Anyway, it’s a null and void topic — the more commenters whinge about him, the more I’ll keep transferring his posts over myself.
Well I’ve seen many other writers receive more praise than him, as well as less hate. As for you saying that the more people complain about him the more of his posts you’re going to stick up, do our opinions not matter at all to Giz?
Of course they do, but traffic does suggest it’s in our best interests to continue posting his stuff.
It may go over your head, heck, even irritate you, but plenty of people (as you can see in some of the comments here) actually dig his stuff, myself included. Perhaps it’s wise just to avoid reading his work, if you can’t keep a short leash on your irritation?
I must be odd….I comment if I like something as well
Couldn’t have said it better myself
I hope I haven’t caused anyone offense, but there’s a marked difference between people who comment, and those who do not! Glad you agree.
In your opinion…
No way; this was my favourite post of the day. I love Jesus’s humour; sorry you evidently don’t.
I cant work out if people are hating on the story or the person any more. For what it’s worth Jesus, Kat this article seems perfectly acceptable to me. A bit ranty maybe but that’s what the internet is for – ranting. Ranting, and wanking
Yeah, I thought it was a brilliant faux-meltdown rant; evidently it went over some commenters’ heads…oops.
Sounds eggcellant to me. Snick snick.
Here I was hoping it was a tamagochi app, a whole generation of young mothers could then experience the joys of the digital grandchild while there kids are at school.
https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.namcobandaigames.tamagotchilife
Normally I think the JD hate on here is a little over the top. But this article is just…
…Brilliant? See my comments above.
If I counted up the number of keystrokes and mouse clicks it took me to write my latest piece of software, it would probably number over 1 million.
And what do I get for that? NOTHI… no wait, that’s not right.
MONEY. That’s what. MONEY, food, rent and Pokemon collectibles.
I think someone has got sand on their vagina.
Normally i’d join in with bashing Jesus as much as the next denizen, but dammit if I’m not a sucker for this sort of thing. I’m gonna do it.
All you \/ people really need to get a sense of humour.
I don’t get all the Jesus hate?!?! If his post bothers you so much why click on them?
Say… did u happen to punch a few hundred cones before writing this?