For any bloke who has ever surfed YouPorn while setting his phone to vibrate underneath his dick (it's a thing, seriously), your hairy palms should be reaching for your credit cards right now. Introducing Pulse, the world's first "guybrator".
Looking much like one of those rubber oven mitt things, the Pulse delivers "dual-stimulation" through its patented, oscillating PulsePlate, offering a "deep and powerful" orgasmic experience, all the while being powered by a simple USB charge. Probably best not to plug this into the office laptop though, unless you've got an unfathomably understanding boss.
Also listed among the Pulse's USPs is the fact it's claimed to be the first toy that can be used "from flaccid or erect", allowing you to "orgasm from flaccid". Which for some reason sounds a bit like a veiled threat, as if someone's going to creep up on me, whack my cock into the Pulse and have me cleaning up under the UV lights before I've even had a chance to pop "Christina Hendricks" into Google.
Oscillating its way into UK shops from November, the Pulse will set you back £69 for a lifetime's worth of hands-free fapping. Any takers?