From Noah to Jupiter Ascending, These are the Movie Turkeys to AVOID in 2014

By Gerald Lynch on at

As I've already explained, 2014 is looking like a blockbusting year for the silver screen, with some massive movies set to hit cinemas right the way across the next twelve months. But the multiplex is never free of the odd turkey, and 2014 looks to have its fair share of those too.

From a sea of ill-conceived swords and sandals epics to unnecessary remakes and a glut of tired sequels, there's a whole bunch of films heading to cinemas soon that I wouldn't even borrow your eyes to watch with. Approach the following with caution!

 

Noah


When you look at the people involved, Noah sounds like a sure-fire hit. You've Black Swan / The Wrestler director Darren Aronofsky behind the camera for starters, directing beardy gruff man Russell "Unleash Hell" Crowe in the lead role of this Biblical epic. But this trailer just looks so stupid -- Noah seems to be being depicted as some sort of pious riff on Crowe's Maximus, with go-to Cockney ruffian Ray Winstone playing the leader of an angry tribe looking to dump the pairs of animals in favour of their own shelter aboard the ark. From the heavily stylised CGI storm to the colour palette in use, it's looking worryingly pompous -- something that would be a pity if it turns out to be true, considering Aronofsky's modestly-excellent previous output.

Release Date: 28th March 2014

 

The Legend of Hercules

There are two, unrelated Hercules-themed movies coming out next year. And while the tale is probably the best loved of all Greek myths (and thus-far under explored by Hollywood, barring the Disney and Schwarzenegger (!) efforts), both of the new movies look laughably bad. Worst of the two is The Legend of Hercules, the trailer for which you can find above. It makes Kevin Sorbo's stint as TV's Hercules in the '90s look like Shakespeare's Hamlet.

Release Date: 10th January 2014

 

300: Rise of an Empire

When your first film is based on a classic standalone graphic novel that is itself based on a sort-of-historically accurate tale that sees (spoiler) all but one of its lead characters die by the time it ends, a good movie maker should be able to tell it's probably not the best material to try to spin into a sequel. That hasn't stopped the producers of 300: Rise of an Empire though. Roping in a past-his-prime Frank Miller to crap out a follow-up novel to 300 in order to justify this second film, 300: Rise of an Empire looks destined to be a poor imitation of its surprisingly-fun predecessor. Memed and imitated an inordinate amount of times, its just done and tired now. Why didn't we get an Ephialtes spin-off instead!?

Release Date: 7th February 2014

 

Jupiter Ascending

Ha! It's Channing Tatum as a space elf! What the hell are they thinking? If The Matrix-making Wachowski siblings think they can break their recent run of stinkers by putting Hollywood's latest overpaid pin-up in the lead role, then dressing him up like some sort of intergalactic Noddy is not the way to get swooning teenage girls' bums on seats. This looks crazy, but we're not convinced it's crazy in the good way.

Release Date: 25th July 2014

 

Captain America: The Winter Soldier

I'm one of the rare few that really enjoyed the first Captain America movie (no, not that one). But the trailer for The Winter Soldier, despite all its explosions and super-jet crashes, just looks so boring. With no crazy Red Skull baddie to chew up the scenery, and the fish-out-of-water charm of the first flick's World War II setting left long behind, all that seems to be left here is a generic action sequel, and one that looks scarily like the god-awful G.I. Joe movies.

Release Date: 28th March 2014

 

 

RoboCop

I know, I know -- this was on the "Ones to Watch" list too. And I stand by its inclusion on both -- I honestly can't tell if the RoboCop remake is going to be totally, totally pants, or good fun. One thing is certain though -- it won't be a patch on the original.

Release Date: 7th February 2014