James Bond Was an Alcoholic Mess Who Couldn't Hold a Spoon, Suggest Anti-Booze Doctors

By Gary Cutlack on at

Here's a pleasing message for those of you who plan to purposefully drink yourself to unconsciousness several times over the next fortnight, courtesy of a few doctors, who suggest Bond's preference for shaken Martinis may be to mask his alcohol-induced shakes.

The authors of the funny-with-a-serious-message report claim they "...examined Bond’s alcohol consumption to determine whether he might have been unable to stir his drinks because of the persistent shaking of alcohol induced tremor," by reading all 14 of the original Bond novels and charting how many units of alcohol he enjoyed.

Here's part of the report's conclusion on the secret Bond-binge shame:

James Bond’s level of alcohol intake puts him at high risk of multiple alcohol related diseases and an early death. The level of functioning as displayed in the books is inconsistent with the physical, mental, and indeed sexual functioning expected from someone drinking this much alcohol. We advise an immediate referral for further assessment and treatment, a reduction in alcohol consumption to safe levels, and suspect that the famous catchphrase “shaken, not stirred” could be because of alcohol induced tremor affecting his hands.

The report also claims Bond hits three out of four of the CAGE alcohol dependency checklists, the fourth being the need for an alcoholic "eye-opener" first thing in the morning, as required by the spy in Thunderball. He was a drunk, basically, and glamorising booze use in such a way ought to be a crime. [BMJ via The Register]