You may have heard of Bro App, the Android app that purports to "automatically message your girlfriend sweet things so you can spend more time with the Bros"; or, put more succinctly, "undiluted fraternity douche in code form". Well, I spent a week using it on a real, live, girl. Things didn't go too well.
Armed with a girlfriend with a good sense of humour, and a rather generous budget for emergency flower bouquets, I set to work. The requirements for Bro App are threefold: Android phone, check; one pound and forty-nine shiny pennies in the piggy bank, check; the phone number for a member of the fairer sex, check.
Once you've downloaded the app, setup is pretty simple: you tell Bro App which number belongs to your better half, choose which messages you want to send (or write your own -- in the interests of science, I stuck mostly to the pre-programmed ones), and at what times of day. There's also the option to set which Wi-Fi you use at home, work, and the girlfriend's place, so it can avoid sending a cutesy message when you're in the room with her. I set my daily message to head over to her 11AM, as this is probably around when I'd send my first message of the day, anyway.
The messages will be sent 'around' the same time of day -- plus or minus a few minutes -- and once they're sent, they'll appear in the Hangouts message history, just as if they'd been sent by you, and not some creepy virtual frat boy.
Not the greatest start, then: a 'great day' text at the beginning of the day. Solid 5/10 for Bro App, but only mild suspicion so far. Girlfriend probably just thinks I'm missing my morning coffee.
It's worth explaining at this point that my girlfriend and I have known each other long enough to realise two things:
- 'darl' is not a pet name I would ever use, even when eight-shots-of-tequila drunk.
- We live on the opposite sides of the ocean, so 'see you tonight' was probably not my best choice of message here.
So, not quite a third of the way there, and cracks already starting to appear in the facade.
My first positive Bro App response! Maybe there is some hope in this godforsaken pile of crap after all. Mind you, that was one of the messages I programmed myself, so clearly a little human touch is necessary.
Suspicion is back.
Time for a damage-limitation video call, methinks.
At this point, I'll admit, I 'fessed up.
At which point this arrived, via a different well-known social messaging platform:
Bro App is a terrible way to communicate. If you use it to communicate with anyone you remotely care about, you are also a terrible person. She deserves better.
No but seriously, anyone who even remotely knows you will pick up on the weird, forced texting in about half a second. Save your £1.49, buy two stamps, and send her a surprise card instead. I guarantee it'll work better.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have some grovelling to do...