Happy 5th Birthday, Apple Watch!

By Matt Novak on at

CUPERTINO, SILICON VALLEY — APRIL 24, 2020: Thousands assembled in Cupertino today to celebrate the fifth anniversary of the single most important event in tech history — the release of the Apple Watch.

"I remember a time when people were sceptical of the Apple Watch," Apple CEO Tim Cook said in a speech at the newly constructed Nikola Tesla Stadium. "They said it was dumb. They said it was completely unnecessary. They said it was a huge waste of money. Well, those people were wrong and gross and stupid."

The ceremony included a presentation explaining that few people of the year 2015 understood just how revolutionary the little device would be. From eradicating Super Measles to helping establish the first prison on Mars, it seems there's nothing the Apple Watch hasn't done to make our lives better.

Both President Trump and Labor Secretary Travis Kalanik were on hand to celebrate the joyous occasion in the newly created state of Silicon Valley. Even Elon Musk, the Governor of New Canada, was there, fresh off the Hyperloop from Toronotreal to attend the festivities in Cupertino.

"Back in 2017 people thought the Apple Watch was just another device to control your SpaceX jetpack," Musk said to the stadium of cheering consumers without looking up from his watch. "These days, it's so much more."

But the Apple Watch wasn't without obstacles to overcome in its relatively short five-year history. Before the watch became mandatory, some radical elements complained that the device was light on features and a privacy nightmare. Naturally, the Apple Watch's calming Happy Fun Mist™ helped allay those concerns. Not to mention keep us all much safer.

"The Apple Watch's voice recognition capabilities have done wonders for keeping tabs on illicit conversations," newly confirmed Secretary of Homeland Security Edward Snowden said. "Because freedom isn't free."

Apple engineers are excited about the future of the Apple Watch. With Terrafugia promising that their flying car is just two years away, Apple says that the magical transportation alternative will be fully compatible with its watch.

"We're listening to consumers and have some exciting things planned for the latest version of the Apple Watch," Cook told the crowd of thousands. "By next year the Apple Watch will have fully functioning time-telling capabilities."

There are even rumours in Silicon Valley that the watch's Sin Monitor is getting an upgrade. But don't expect human touch to be decriminalised anytime soon.

"I don't like to give away too many secrets," Cook told the throngs of reporters after the event, who clapped sporadically in their holding pens. "But some day we fully expect the Apple Watch's camera to have an off switch."

This article originally appeared on Paleofuture, a Gizmodo blog looking into the future that never was