The 11 Best Insults From The Thick of It

By Gary Cutlack on at

All you're going to hear is election, election, election for the rest of the week, as those men in suits try to get down to our level and convince us, via the medium of sincere hand gestures, that one of them ought to get voted through to the final of PM Factor 2015. But the real politician of the people isn't Farage and his pint, it's Malcolm Tucker, the sweary spin doctor from political comedy The Thick of It, a man who pioneered swearing as art. Here are some of his finest insults, ones you are legally allowed to use on anyone who gives you a ****ing pamphlet over the next four interminable ***ing days.

1. "F*ckety-bye"

The Thick of It classic, via a fantastic rolling threat to a journalist.

2. "I will tear your f*cking skin off"

Followed by a threat to wear it to the victim's mother's birthday party and perform some sort of sexual assault. A bit dark, this one.

3. "Don't ever call me f*cking English again"

An amazing piece of sparring with James Gandolfini, culminating in a line that could well come in handy when discussing the anticipated barnstorming SNP vote this week.

4. "Little Bo Cock-Jockey and the Leaky F*cking Minge Box"

At the 1:14 mark. If you're struggling for something offensive to write in a female work colleague's birthday card, The Thick of It's Malcolm's your man.

5. "You massive gay shite"

Possible affectionate nickname for your gay best friend.

6. "Kill a kid an hour until it sorts itself out?"

Malcolm's useful explanation of how to fix a printer paper jam.

7. "The f*cking hairdresser, the space hairdresser and the cowboy"

From a glorious Star Wars review that could come in handy if you have a friend who's a little bit too excited about Episode VII.

8. "Sweating like Vegas Elvis on a squash court"

Body-shaming was OK back in 2010.

9. "If you're not a prostitute or a pizza guy, f*ck off"

Will be said by many regional news reporters at 4:15am on election night, as the results are still being counted in a freezing ****ing cold village ****ing hall in some ****-soaked town full of ****s.

10. "He's so dense that light bends around him"

Of use when arguing with someone who thinks Interstellar is the best film of all time.

11. "Inconsequential, un-spellchecked shit"

Malcolm's opinion on blogs. Quite true. F*ckety-bye-bye.