Have you wondered what it’s like to have sex with the Apple Watch?
Canadian erotica master Leonard Delaney did.
Delaney is the author of “Invaded By the iWatch,” a 4000-word yarn about a young woman, Christie Aackerlund, who walks out her door one day to find a new “iWatch” sitting on her stoop. She puts it on and within a page, she’s engaged in a sexual encounter with a sentient wristable.
Sample passage, from right after the initial seduction:
“Oh yeah!” she cried. “Give me a Stevejob.”
The iWatch guided her left hand to grab her clitoris. Forming into a duck head again, her fingertips sucked at the tip of her clit, occasionally flicking at it with the middle finger like it was a little duck tongue.
She spurted just a little bit from the tip of her clit, sending an arc of milky Christie-juice across the room. It landed on the wall with the fish tank, causing the fish to glitch in and out of existence. So it was a hologram after all. The iWatch dove deeper. Her own slender fingers passed her labium minora, entering her sopping fibromuscular tube up to the knuckles.
“Deeper,” she said. “Invade me. Fuck the privacy right out of me.”
And it goes deeper:
Christie and her wrist both nodded. Siri got to her knees. She kissed the inside of Christie’s thigh, starting near the knee and working her way up. Christie lifted one leg and spread it to the side to give Siri more room to work.
Steve grabbed Siri’s ponytail and guided her rhythm. Luckily, it was a rhythm they both enjoyed. The digital assistant lapped her unnaturally long holographic tongue from Christie’s ass to her pussy, then back again. Normally, Christie would be worried about a bladder infection after a move like that, but Siri wasn’t real, so it was probably okay?
The writing is amusingly (and intentionally) bad. The story is set in a speculative world that would classify as a dystopia informed by our current fears and anxieties over data privacy, except that it’s so pallidly described:
Two drones swooped in from the sky. “Heeey, Christie Aackerlund,” said one of them through its tinny speaker. “We saw you on Tinder this morning. You looking for a good time? It’s ladies night at the Diamond Club. Ladies get in free, two-dollar drinks.”
She pushed past the drone, but the other one leapfrogged in front of her. It started playing a sad pop song, increasing the volume the more she tried to dodge away from it. “New Adele album out now!” shouted the drone. “We think you’ll really relate to it, Christie!”
Leonard Delaney is a pen name, which partially serves to help keep his real identity and life as a tech analyst separate from the career of a technology-obsessed virginal creeper. (I was asked not to reveal his real identity, and I don’t see a reason to.)
“It kinda helps to have that persona because the writing is intentionally crappy in some ways. It helps to have this persona of a dude who is kind of a virgin and doesn’t know anything about female anatomy.”
He started writing erotica a few years ago, around the time that E.L. James’ 50 Shades of Grey garbage was picking up steam (Leonard is for the “L” in E.L.”). Delaney’s first erotica story was called “Sex Boat.” It’s about Sex on a Boat. Delaney was inspired by other Kindle erotica authors like Christie Sims, author of the dinosaur sex viral hit, “Taken by the T-Rex.”
Earlier this year, Delaney embarked on a series of titles based on geek culture: “Conquered By Clippy” and “Taken by the Tetris Blocks.” For what it’s worth, the author says he’s not actually obsessed with weird sex stuff, and that this is all a joke.
The books sell a few copies everyday, although it’s hard to say how many people are reading for sure because the stories are passed around in the Kindle Lending Library. The author estimates he makes about $1,000/£647 a month, which isn’t bad considering he can knock out a story in the evenings after work in about a week.
He used the proceeds from the writing to get himself a real Apple Watch.
“I was lucky enough to get one the day it came out,” he told me by email, sending me this proud hairy-armed photo:
Delaney is currently hard at work on a new book, “McDonaldland Porn.” As for what’s next? “I’m thinking stories that go even further,” he says. “Maybe erotica about abstract concepts. ‘Fisted by Free Will.’ ‘Rammed By Rule 34.’”
Whatever gets your juices flowing.
Illustration by Jim Cooke, source photo via Apple