It may be called the iPhone 6S, but this is actually the ninth generation of iPhone. CHOICE! Rose gold, space grey, normal or plus sized, Apple has options coming out of every corner of its Cupertino campus. Not as much choice as Google's Android offers, of course, but that's another conversation entirely. It's the Lord's own annual iPhone day, so let's keep the focus there. With so many iPhone choices now available when factoring older models, picking the one for you can be complicated work.
At least, it would be if we weren't here to help. We've matched iPhone to user. Pick your profile, pick your poison.
iPhone 6S – For Self-Conscious and Anxious
You love – nay, crave – validation. You have a big flashy sports car that you drive around the village and rev at those damn fashionable hipsters. You play pool and make sure to break out the trick shots when everyone's watching, and you know exactly how to do the hocus pocus skill move in FIFA. You briefly considered sticking with your 6 Plus, but then you heard that ethereal name whispered into your ear, floating into your psyche like the words of an angel: “6S… 6S… success”. You need it so you can tell anyone who's listening (and many who aren't) that you have “6s in your pocket”. Very droll.
iPhone 6S Plus – For the Ladder-climbing Playa
What's better than success? Why, success plus, of course. You're rolling in dough and make sure everyone knows it. Every time you see a camera you start flicking dollar bills at it like all those Puff Diddly music videos. You thought The Wolf of Wall Street was about you, and you've taped over your wife's visage on your wedding photo with another picture of your own face. To you, bling isn't something you wear, it's a philosophy.
iPhone 5C – For the Cheapskate
Your friends frowned when you showed them the salmon pink iPhone 5C that you picked up on a cut price deal, but you smiled and went merrily on your way. Why worry? You liked the bright colours and playful aesthetic. Who needs more than 8GB storage anyway? You've embraced the cloud these days and store all your files there; in fact, your whole home is wireless and connected. Your toaster is even hooked up, letting you set the perfect heat and duration from your 5C and upload toast selfies from its built-in camera. However, you'll also need to love a challenge – tonight seems to have seen the death of the iPhone 5C, with it no longer available from Apple's store.
iPhone 6 – For the Tactile User
Mmmm, bevels. The moment you set your eyes on those sleek, sexy non-edges you were hooked. And what's this? An iPhone in gold? Oh Tim you devil, you. And of all the features, Touch ID was the crowning, err, touch. You loved pressing your thumb on things anyway – small red buttons, big red buttons, people's faces – but now you can unlock your iPhone with it! And buy more buttons with Apple Pay! Honestly, who knew thumbs could be so useful? You did. And that's why you bought the iPhone 6.
iPhone 6 Plus – For Those Who Go Big
You go large on everything. You have a 27-inch 5K iMac and a 60-inch curved, smart, super mega HD TV. Your bling has bling on it, you own three Apple Watch Editions and make sure to take one of every dip when you order your McDonald's (it's important, you're sure). People say you need to have fat hands to use the iPhone 6 Plus but you don't care. “Let them play with their toy phones”, you laugh, at first to yourself but then out loud. They'll be sorry when our children evolve and are all born with freakishly large hands. They'll be sorry.
The Rest – For the Guilty-Minded
You're a bleeding heart liberal. You hate modern consumerism and corporate greed, but secretly love Apple. But your friends mustn't know that, of course, so you buy an iPhone 4 and tell them it was all they had left at the farmers' market. It's super slow and bugs the hell out of you, but you have an image to maintain. No one must know that you watched the 2013 Steve Jobs biopic and loved it. Every evening you boot up Linux and share your opinions in all caps on Facebook.