The relentless trick-or-treat-isation of All Hallows' Eve continues apace, with the kids of 2015 now expected to dress up in shop-bought costumes at the end of October while demanding Haribo from pensioners facing the bleak choice of providing sweets for already clearly obese children or keeping the heating on.
Older readers might remember the 1970s, when being allowed to perhaps light a candle after school was as exciting as Halloween ever got. If you want to do more to celebrate whatever Halloween is supposed to be celebrating than put on a ripped t-shirt and say you're a zombie while filing a rucksack with sweets in 2015, there's this – the amazing Wilko Master Of Doom:
Or this Frozen cosplay option for the lady, from rival budget retailer Matalan, which isn't really Halloween at all:
Basically, Halloween 2015 has been turned into an excuse for people to dress up as any kind of sexy vampire, a sexy zombie, a sexy office administrator or a sexy emergency services operator, while the rest of us non-sexy people are best left covering ourselves in bandages and deciding to stay at home rather than risk an unsuccessful social interaction.
Matalan also has a Halloween wig, suggesting there's something inherently frightening about either women making eye contact or redheads. Social media firestorm potential, there.
Sexy Alice in Wonderland, from budget chain Wilko of all places, which also does a sexy nurse zombie and a sexy zombie cheerleader and many more. Fat people: stay at home and eat all the sweets you pretended to the checkout operative you were buying for the children. Halloween is only for thin people with thigh gaps nowadays.
ASDA has some relatively safe goth and devil stuff like the ones above, none particularly revealing – which is probably the result of some research into the weight and body issues of its target demographic. Check out that knee-length hem on its teen zombie cheerleader. Terrible.
ASDA also has a sexy Alice, one that comes with free tights – and if we know anything about women it's that they never have any tights so this must be great.
That's what ASDA suggests grown men wear on Halloween. If you wear that, you're literally begging to be chainsawed into pieces for real by a man with a grudge against modern society who subsequent media reports will suggest usually kept himself to himself while working as a freelance tech author. Buy it and look like a clown on TWO levels.
Tesco's Adult Halloween section is also enough to make you think of ways you can obliterate every human being on earth later this month as if you were a hell demon with a hatred of consumerism and wish to cleanse the planet. The above is its "Day of the Dead" costume, which is about as generic a blend of zombie/Alice/porn as you can get.
The most useless of all is this Tesco "Halloween" t-shirt. A t-shirt you buy, and wear, for one hopeful evening. A bit like it's an England football or rugby top, only less likely to lead to public shame. In short, Halloween is now for supermarkets to make money out of idiots, so opt out.