Remember Not to Die in a Fire Tonight!

By Gary Cutlack on at

It's bonfire night! Tonight! Maybe. Perhaps your local authority has decided that fireworks on a Thursday is a bit much and delayed all official fun until Saturday, but still. It's fireworks night tonight or on Saturday!

So heed these basic tips, as you don't want to be the idiot who goes viral because he set his own trousers on fire and was then running around saying "help" while people watched and filmed it all.

So these are, off the top of our heads, what you should NOT do tonight:

  • Don't do fireworks inside
  • Don't have a fire in the kitchen
  • Never return to a Vauxhall Zafira
  • Put matches on a high shelf
  • Don't microwave anything just in case
  • No petrol showers or using WD-40 as deodorant
  • Don't wear paper clothes, hats etc
  • Put wooden furniture outside

Oh, and animal lovers are catered for by a comprehensive blog post over on the Co-op's site, where it points out that animals might be scared and hair burns well, so pet owners should take sensible precautions with animals like:

  • Keep them inside
  • Put them in fireproof overalls
  • Cover them in fire retardant liquids like cream, jam and toothpaste
  • Tape up their bumholes

Oh but seriously, before you close the tab in despair, there's a government information portal at bonfire-night-safety.co.uk that carries stark warnings about the very real threat of eye injuries and the general misery that can be caused by messing about with, or being in the vicinity of an idiot in control of mild explosives, so it's probably best to stay inside on the internet to be safe. [bonfire-night-safety.co.uk]

Image credit: Bonfire party from Shutterstock