For those of you unfamiliar with the practice of proposing intercourse with the aid of digital foodstuffs, the aubergine and the peach are now the sauciest items in the fresh fruit and veg aisle. You can probably guess what they symbolise without me spelling it out. With great sections of the world’s horny youth so messed up that they’re utterly incapable of approaching a member of the opposite sex and charming their pants off with words and booze, it looks like emoji are now absolutely key to human survival.
As if that wasn’t sad enough, somebody’s created a service that specialises in anonymously delivering ‘real-life emojis’ -- aka aubergines -- inscribed with dirty, creepy messages to your unfortunate crush, for the low, low price of £6.99. Collect a few and you could have a baba ganoush on the go in no time.
Astonishingly, Eggplant Mail has been temporarily shut down because it was apparently too popular, but it’s likely to resume normal service again in a few days. “Are you here to buy a real life penis emoji?” A post on the site reads. “I'm sorry, this website is now for sale. I started this as a silly dare, but now the website has gone viral I can't keep up with the demand. Too many people are asking me to mail phallic fruit for them. It's fun but it's also distracting me from my job.
“I think there is someone out there who would be perfect for this website. That someone could make lots of money mailing eggplants. In doing so they would bring happiness to the world. Who knows, maybe that someone is you? My name is Jack and this was all an accident.”
If only demand for my aubergine was that high. Fancy a change in career? You can register your interest in Eggplant Mail here. If you do manage to take over, please, please, please de-Americanise the name. [EggplantMail via Shortlist]