It's probably safe to say that films have moved on a bit since the Carry On series was launched in 1958, and even 1992's awful Carry On Columbus reboot looks positively antiquated compared with today's CG-packed cinematic event movies, full of boring frowning men and people realising they've been double-crossed. So how can Carry On 2017 be updated for the kids?
Unrealistic Body Images
All of the characters would have to be entirely CG, allowing the ladies to have breasts physically much larger than ever before and the fellas to grow Men's Health-worthy Chris Hemsworth arms the size of elephant legs. A digitally-enhanced Barbara Windsor with tits the size of space hoppers would appear at the end alongside a rippling CG Kenneth Williams, lining up a separate spin-off film for the mainline franchise's off year.
Tom Hiddleston As The James Bond Villain Character
Tom's a bit like Jim Dale, the man in the original films who was always the confounded sensible one. So Tom Hiddleston as the main doctor, who turns out to be bad, but then is maybe conflicted a bit about his poor clinical decisions, as they always have to be a bit conflicted nowadays, like Batman, as the people who make films think that makes them deep.
A Shock Twist
Whoever plays the Sid James role turns out to be a feminist, who was only being ironic and wouldn't actually know what to do with a nipple or -- heaven forbid! -- a fanny were one to be thrust into his face. Only on the second viewing will the audience realise this clever trick.
NHS Management Parable
Given that the new Carry On is a reboot of the Carry On Doctors theme, it will therefore be set in the NHS of 2017. So it ought to be a grim, humourless (aren't they always? etc.) look at administrative burdens. Surviving original cast members die unfed in corridors, gesturing for water. Leslie Phillips, now the senior manager of an indebted regional trust, cutting services to ensure his salary is covered.
The entire plot could be based around the junior doctors' strike. Striking doctors lead to a build-up of the sick, creating a zombie outbreak, with the subtext being the NHS is quite good.
It could be the men that are the hunted this time around. Daisy Ridley runs wild in the hospital, offering to sponge-bath old men for kicks, sharing images to social media. Martine McCutcheon becomes the Hattie Jacques figure but without any of the patience, going on a back-breaking rampage like a sassy, old fogey-killing Bane. The YouTube trailer would be so unpopular the UN would order it removed to calm global civil unrest.
The voiceover at the beginning and end of the film is dark in tone, because it's revealed by the closing shot that the man telling the tale is in prison for groping people while they were unconscious. As the shot fades the prison gates open -- he's out for the sequel, Carry On Offending. [Sky]
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