Check If Your House Will Be Vaporised If President Trump Starts A Nuclear War

By James O Malley on at

It's 8am in Britain. Millions of people are eating their breakfast and heading to work. Everyone is thinking about the disappointment caused by the shitty new Toblerone they shared with a loved one the night before. It's a normal morning in post-Brexit Britain.

Meanwhile over in the White House it is 3am and the red phone is ringing. Quick, wake the President! Who is there to take that 3am phone call? Oh no, it's President Trump.

"Who dares wake me from my sleep? I have only the best sleep", the President said, while rubbing his blurry eyes with his tiny child-like hands. "It's China, they've started testing missiles in the South China Sea", explains Chief of Staff Scott Baio.

President Trump was furious. America was losing to China. How could he respond? He couldn't tweet at the Chinese Premiere since his staff changed his Twitter password. So there was only one thing for it: He had to fire the nukes.

"Mr President, this is a dangerous escalation of force", warned Secretary of Defense Piers Morgan. "I don't care, Piers. I am smart. I have the best smarts. And we have no time for doing political on this. We've got to grab China by the-".

President Trump stopped, as he realised that he didn't have to explain himself. He was the Commander-in-Chief, and in times of crisis has near limitless powers over foreign policy. And everyone knew it too, thanks to the enormous gold "TRUMP" sign he had emblazoned on the roof of the West Wing.

The Chairman of the Joint Chiefs clicked open the suitcase that contained the "nuclear football", and with the touch of a red button, President Trump had fulfilled another campaign promise: that he would be utterly reckless. The nukes were en route to Beijing. And this set off a chain reaction. Beijing detected the incoming attack and fired back. Fearing that China was on the offensive, America's staunchest ally Vladimir Putin ordered his nukes be launched too. And on that, Britain, France, Israel, India, Pakistan and North Korea also fired their missiles. The world was in a state of nuclear war.

And scene.

So are you going to survive the inevitable if Donald Trump wins tonight? The good news is that there's a really useful website to find out. Simply type in where you think the bombs will land and selected the expected payload, and Would I Survive A Nuke will show you whether or not you'll be vaporised by the initial blast, or whether you'll only die weeks later from the nuclear fallout. Never has living in the most remote parts of Scotland felt so tempting.