Janet Ellis, the lovely mumsy one from Blue Peter that older readers may have had a thing for once upon a time, is the star of the 2016 Bad Sex in Fiction awards, thanks to writing a few paragraphs about doing it that compare men's backs to ploughed fields and sex to being like a sack of porridge oats falling over.
Ellis' chosen paragraph reads: "When his hand goes to my breasts, my feet are envious. I slide my hands down his back, all along his spine, rutted with bone like mud ridges in a dry field, to the audacious swell below," then there's something even ruder about a finger that we'd better not paste in as it's probably best kept away from corporate firewall logs.
Other nominees include a bewildering paragraph by Erri De Luca which seems to show he doesn't really understand sex at all -- probably due to being born in the 1950s -- in which he said: "I entered her. Not only my prick, but the whole of me entered her, into her guts, into her darkness, eyes wide open, seeing nothing. My whole body had gone inside her."
His whole body. He said it twice so that must be how he thinks sex works. If you have nothing to do and no one can see your screen from where you sit, the Literary Review is curating the hashtag #BadSex on Twitter, where entries from this year and badly written sex bits from previous years' competitions can be enjoyed. [Literary Review via Independent]