Sunday night was the first episode of Planet Earth II, hosted by universally beloved nonagenarian David Attenborough. The six-episode series was filmed in 40 countries over three years, and whatever it cost, it was worth every god damn penny.
In the first few minutes, Attenborough blew the minds of views across the UK (and those of us watching surreptitiously through a VPN) with this fascinating nature fact: sloths, the animals so lazy that plant matter grows in their fur, are capable of swimming if they want to fuck.
This particular sloth on the island of Escudo thought he heard a mating call of a female across the mangroves. “It is time to engage in the sex,” this sloth thought, finally finding the motivation to do absolutely anything. And so the goofy, long-limbed furmonster — so famously immobile that its entire species is named after a deadly sin — swam across a river to get it on, in what we can only imagine would be intercourse so slow that climax occurs on a geologic timescale.
After expending a lifetime’s worth of sloth effort, he finds the girl next door to be raising a child and in no mood to mate. Sorry pal. Sloths are ugly, awkward, and unlucky in love — just like humans! Nature is beautiful.