Secret Santa is a time-honoured tradition in offices around the Christmas-celebrating world, but it's not always possible to actually like all the people you work with. If you managed to draw the name of someone you can't stand, and can't work out a trade with somebody else, here are a few shitty and vindictive gifts you can give them.
Unt Mug, £8.50
This is pretty self explanatory. A mug that says "unt" might not be much on it's own, but with a handle that looks oddly like a C you're making a very inflammatory statement about the gift recipient. [Buy it here]
Abusive Balloons, £7
The more passive aggressive gift for someone who's usually quite chipper, these balloons abhor celebration in any form? Merry Christmas? Fuck that. Happy Holidays? Hell no. These balloons feature snarky comments that don't really go well with any form of celebration. So Happy Fucking Whatever everyone!
Porn Hub Gift Cards, from £10
This might go down better than expected with some people, but nothing says "go fuck yourself" like giving someone the means to actually go fuck themselves. It's much funnier if they don't like porn, otherwise you're just doing them a massive favour. If that's the case just buy them a subscription to Ashley Madison. [Buy it here]
Glitter Bomb, £6-£20.
You might get some shit from the office cleaner for this one, but it might be worth sitting through a bollocking to see the look on your recipient's face when they get a face full of glitter. The glitter bomb is a simple idea, you hand over a letter filled with glitter and they get the annoying shit everywhere. If you're feeling particularly vindictive, you can pay more money that uses a spring-loaded firing mechanism to spray them (and the surrounding area) with glitter. [Buy it here]
Name a Star, £14
If there was ever a more useless gift, that still works as a gift, I haven't come across it. Naming a star is the most pointless thing you can offer, because it's totally worthless. They don't get anything to actually have as a gift, and it's not like the people who sell these things collaborate with NASA over the naming rights of each star in the sky. I can't see them accepting a star called 'Dave is a twat' anyway. [Buy it here]
Shit Emoji Pillow, £2.02
Emoji are fucking stupid, at least that's how I see them. The stupidest of them all is the poo emoji, which is one of many that happens to be available as a pillow. Why? I don't know. But they're easy to get hold of, and you can tell the recipient that it made you think of them. They'll know what that means. [Buy it here]
Will Making Kit, £14
Interim Editor James O'Malley keeps referring to things back in his day, even though he's only a few years older than I am. If I were responsible for his presents this year, he'd definitely get this. It's the ultimate insult for anyone who is even slightly older than you are, because human beings hate the idea of being old. [Buy it here]
Crocs, from £14
There's no need for an explanation here. Just make sure they're the right size, so you can chastise them for not being worn at a later date. Bonus points if you get them in a horrific colour. [Buy it here]
A Framed Picture of Yourself
If you don't like them, then your colleague probably doesn't like you either. Rub it in their face by printing off a picture of yourself doing your best pose and slap it in a frame as a constant reminder that you're not going anywhere. Then make them feel bad for not keeping it on their desk, staring at them for the next few months. Bonus points if you buy a ugly frame!
Marmite Popcorn Three Pack, £10.50
Just make sure they're not one of those people who likes Marmite. [Buy it here]
Giant Plush STDS, £17
Give the office twat an STD this Christmas, just not in the way that would involve you both taking off any clothing. This box set includes the all time greats, coming with Herpes, Chlamydia, The Clap, HPV, and Syphilis. [Buy it here]
There are plenty of truly awful films out there, and they make the ideal gift for someone you can't stand. Here are some ideas to get you going: Highlander 2, Battlefield Earth, Troll 2, and Alone in the Dark. If they're a fan of superhero films you can get your hands on Howard the Duck and Halle Berry's Catwoman, then throw in a sly comment about merging them in with the current slate of Marvel and DC films.
A Pre-Made Secret Santa Box, £10
Nothing says "I don't give a shit" more than putting zero effort into buying a present. Firebox has a great little service that makes gift giving easy, by sending you a very badly wrapped mystery gift. That way you don't need to spend a lot of time or money putting it together, and if they hate it the recipient can't get that angry with you. [Buy it here]
Just give them an empty box with nothing inside it. If they ask what the deal is, tell them they can keep the box for the next time they move house. Amazon does sell a product known as 'The gift of nothing', but that's a bit pricey for what is basically empty packaging.