We love a good bank holiday here in the UK, and Jeremy Corbyn's plan to give us another four a year has certainly caught the electorate's attention. Inevitably, then, the other parties have been frantically brainstorming their own celebrations to compete, leading to a spiralling holiday arms race in which eventually, no one will have to go to work ever again.
Here, we can exclusively reveal the 11 proposed holidays being kicked around for inclusion in 2017 election manifestos, from the UK's own Labour Day to the somewhat less serious Ed Balls Day.
1. Blue Monday
Yes, it’s a load of bobbins, but since we’re hounded into feeling bad about ourselves every third Monday in January anyway, the least the government could do is let us stay at home under a duvet. This would be a natural fit for the Conservatives and their love of a) blue and b) people being miserable.
2. Yellow Tuesday
Never ones for jumping on a bandwagon, the Lib Dems insist Yellow Tuesday was entirely their own idea that they came up with independently of the Tories, who they don’t actually even like. Shortly after the announcement of the holiday, all mentions of their election promise for no more bank holidays were mysteriously lost.
3. Ed Balls Day
Since no one does any work on the anniversary of Ed Balls’ infamous tweet anyway, Labour has decided to capitalise on the only one of its MPs to ever garner any public affection and give us all the day off. Traditions on this hallowed day include ceremonial Gangnam dances and repeatedly muttering one’s own name.
4. St. David’s Day
Apparently no one told Wales that St David was included in Corbyn's proposal, because they're all up in arms at having been left out. "If you English are ‘avin’ one, then it’s only fair that our boyo Dai gets a look in, wouldn’t you say?" a Plaid Cymru spokesperson was quoted as saying, before stating that a bank holiday "will be what's occurring" on the 1st of March.
After rumblings of a #Wexit protest in retaliation, the government soothed the party with promises that a revival of the mining industry would 'certainly be considered for the potential longlist of possible topics to think about including' in the next Parliamentary debate.
5. Diana Day
A day to remember the People’s Princess or a shameless grab by UKIP for tabloid heartland votes? Who cares, the point is we’d get the first day of July (her birthday) off, when said heartland could ‘commemorate’ her by drinking in beer gardens with their sunburnt sausage limbs on show. #NeverForget.
6. Theresa May-Day
Less a new bank holiday and more an attempted rebranding of an existing one, New May Day traditions would include sponsored snoop-a-thons and tying ribbons around a ‘strong and stable’ Maypole topped with Theresa’s watchful and not-at-all-menacing head.
7. Rainbows and Smiles Day
Can’t we all just stop being mean to each other for a day, and all get along like we used to, and come together to eat cake made of smiles and rainbows? That’s the ethos of this warm-and-fuzzy holiday idea from the Greens, proposed in Parliament to shouts of “they don’t even go here.”
8. Labour Day
In this Corbyn-sponsored British copy of the American holiday, everyone would celebrate the hard-won rights of workers by not getting out of bed until at least 2pm. There would also be a theoretical parade of trade unions to celebrate, but they can never agree a time and place amongst themselves.
There's nothing rasher than this bacon-themed holiday hastily cooked up by the Conservatives in response to the 2015 #PigGate scandal. The hamfisted scheme was intended to celebrate the contribution of pigs to society, but was quickly overtaken by traditions including replacing the traditional apple in a pig's head with a pork sausage and meatballs, and children creating David Cameron masks made entirely of ham.
10. Christmas Eve Eve
Realistically, we should probably give people the latter half of December off, because we’re all pretty much checked out for Christmas/drunk/hungover/frantically internet shopping for presents with next-day delivery. But since that’s not going to happen, we’ll settle for Christmas Eve Eve, which will be called Christmas Adam because equality.
11. Gizmodo Day
Celebrated in a weirdly specific list of countries (the UK, the US, France, Germany, Italy, Spain, Poland, Japan, Australia and Brazil), Gizmodo Day is all about gently ribbing big companies and celebrating the weird and wonderful news from the worlds of technology, science, pop culture and whatever else we fancy. The traditional greeting of Gizmodo Day is “I thought this was a tech site.”
Main image: Duncanh1 via Flickr CC