For the last few weeks, I've been toting the Samsung Galaxy S8 Plus around as my main phone. With its 6.2-inch – albeit curved – screen, it's one of the larger phones on the market.
And the one comment I got more than any other – even more than "will it explode lolz" – was "yeah it's lovely but it wouldn't fit in my pocket."
Well no. It wouldn't. And it shouldn't. Because you should not be keeping a piece of delicate tech that you rely on for just about everything, that costs just south of eight hundred pounds, in your frickin' jeans pocket. That is ridiculous.
It has to be said, this is mainly a problem for men. Women have long since realised that it makes no sense to try and exist in the world on a daily basis without some kind of bag to keep stuff in, although this realisation was less voluntary and more to do with the fact that women's clothes designers seem perennially opposed to useful pockets.
Now, the people stubbornly continuing to keep two of their most valuable possessions – wallet and smartphone – easily in reach of thieves need to give it up and get a bag.
Three very good reasons to stop pocketing your phone
1. Bendgate. Smartphones are not intended to be sat on, or forcibly bent when you sit down. Would you expect your laptop to survive an accidental sitting-on? Yes. Would you expect it to tolerate being sat on by a large adult human every day of its working life? Of course not. Many of us now have smartphones that cost more than our computers, and it is nothing short of lunacy to shove them in ill-equipped pants pockets.
2. Thieves. Pickpockets absolutely love people who keep their phones in their jeans. Yes, you can also have a bag snatched, and yes your phone can be taken out of your hapless hand while you're using it, but that iPhone 6 Plus poking out of your hip pocket is basically advertising itself. And before you tell me you'd never fall for a pickpocket – they're a lot better at it than you.
3. You're holding back progress. You people are the reason Apple actually went back to an old design and brought out the iPhone SE. We're supposed to be going forwards! But how are smartphone companies supposed to innovate if they know a large chunk of the market won't buy a phone larger than a flap of denim designed in the 80s?
And if you think clothes companies should be making larger pockets to compensate – yes, people actually complain about this – don't hold your breath. Other than Google's one-off Pixel jeans and a few brands trying to hit the headlines, it's going to be a whole lot faster to change your habits than attempt to change the entire apparel industry. We'll have foldable phones before that happens.
Want some more reasons? Have some more reasons
Keeping your wallet in your back pocket has long been known to cause spinal problems, because it throws you off balance when you sit down. Who knows what habitually keeping a slab of aluminium and glass on one side might do? Maybe nothing, or maybe having warm battery packs and cellular antennas next to your reproductive parts is setting you up for problems in the future (don't believe me? Ask anyone having problems trying for kids. The list of stuff that can affect your sperm count is insane).
If you've ever looked lamentingly at a flagship phone that you'd love to have, if only it'd fit in your damn pocket, it's you that needs to change. Bigger phones mean better battery life, more components, more choice – and more space for your game/Netflix series/app of choice. Why wouldn't you want that?
Even better: you can keep other things in your bag too! A notepad for your brilliant brainwaves on the bus. A snack for in between meetings. A Nintendo DS. Whatever you like. But for the love of everything, find one with a zip-up inside pocket and keep your phone in it. Because it's 2017, and no one should be carrying that kind of processing power next to their house keys.