News broke overnight that embattled Uber CEO Travis Kalanick is stepping down. Kalanick will still serve on the company’s board, but the company needs a new CEO. And it needs one quickly, if it wants to calm down some nervous investors.
People on Twitter are already speculating about who might be the best replacement for Kalanick. Some think an executive like recently departed Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer would be a good choice, while others aren’t so sure. One thing that makes it all much more complicated is that Kalanick will reportedly help oversee the selection of his replacement.
We’ve done a round-up of the twelve most likely replacements, culled from extensive internet research. If it’s not one of these folks, the company could be in serious trouble moving forward.
- Marissa Mayer, former CEO of Yahoo
- Robert L. Hulseman, deceased inventor of the Solo Cup
- Kravis Talanick, mysterious mustachioed stranger who says he’s new to town but really seems to understand the Uber culture quite well
- A somehow moist pile of USB thumb drives containing nothing but pirated copies of the movie Boiler Room
- Various independent contractors who are summoned through a smartphone app for 5-minute stints as CEO and paid less than minimum wage
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- Secret Uber sauce, the thing Travis Kalanick told me in 2013 was the process for vetting drivers with possible criminal backgrounds
- A Camelbak filled with old tapioca pudding
- Whatever US tax agent finally figures out that independent contractors laws weren’t intended for this shit
- A beer keg wearing an Arizona State t-shirt that also has an advanced degree from Arizona State
- Elon Musk, because he doesn’t seem like he has enough to do right now
- Travis Kalanick, fuck it the company’s problems are systemic and aren’t going to change with just a new CEO