2017 has been what some might call a “real doozy” of a year, but it’s still got some brutal surprises up its sleeve. On Wednesday, the United States Air Force publicly denied the existence of Santa Claus, who in exactly two months was ostensibly scheduled to deliver presents to the nation’s children.
After Whiteman Air Force Base in Missouri and Minot Air Force Base in North Dakota began arguing on Twitter over whose air fleet is more powerful, CNN reported, the official U.S. Air Force Twitter account responded to both writing, “We didn’t want to have to do this, but if you 2 can’t get along we must...Santa will bring you nothing this year...becuase[sic] he isn’t real!”
We didn't want to have to do this, but if you 2 can't get along we must...Santa will bring you nothing this year...becuase he isn't real!
— U.S. Air Force (@usairforce) 25 October 2017
The Air Force later claimed in a subsequent tweet that it was merely bluffing. However, the cat is clearly out of the bag here.
There are just enormous implications regarding everything from who is purchasing said presents to, more ominously, what the heck the unidentified flying object which the NORAD Santa Tracker identifies passing through North American airspace every December 24-25th is. Chemtrail sprayers? Some kind of emo 1990s skeleton man? The Grinch? (We’ve asked NORAD and will update if we hear back.)