If all you want for Christmas is sleep, time and money (that'll be everyone then), Amazon has a festive 24-hour special for you.
Like its brilliant Black Friday offer, the deal could potentially save you over £100k – because it's on condoms, and condoms prevent tiny humans who vom on your laptop and cost vast amounts to feed. Since this is 2018, they also live in your house until they're basically geriatric because houses are too expensive and they don't own can openers. And who wants that?
This time around, Amazon's got deals on three different packs so you can still have some variety in your impeccably safe sex:
Durex Pleasure Me Condoms - Pack of 20
"Ribbed and dotted for extra stimulation," these STD-preventing superstars are reduced by 36%, from £10.89 to £6.99. That's about 35p a bang.
Durex Intense Condoms - Pack of 18
Looking like an adult pack of Ribena, these ones are "lubricated with desire-stimulating gel that is designed to increase sensitivity of her intimate areas and bring warming, cooling or tingling sensations." OK firstly, why are we assuming the recipient is a woman (men have sex with men too y'know, although obviously the babymaking thing is less of an issue there), and secondly, that sounds horrendous.
As Kings of Leon should have sung, "oooohhhhh, my vadge is on fiiiiire."
If for some reason those float your boat, they're down by 25% from £15.99 to £11.99. That's 67p per fiery bone.
Durex Extra Safe Condoms Pack of 30
Lastly, we have the ones for people who are either going to brown town or just really don't want to be parents.
These babies are "slightly thicker for high comfort and peace of mind," which is kind of an odd thing to say – high comfort? Does more peen feeling make some people uncomfortable? Or is that just a nice way of saying "you won't pop your cork after two seconds"?
Either way, they're down by 31%, from £16.01 to £10.99. That means the cost of peace-of-mind is just 37p per shag. Bargain.