Excuse me, sir. Sir! If you would put down your newspaper forthwith, and grant me your fullest attention for a situation most dire.
For I have learned news most terrible concerning the electronic web, and its various scoundrels and malcontents. Yes, my good man, though you may be a stranger to me, surely a development of this magnitude is worth divesting your gaze from that archaic medium of communication. If one could call print “communicating.”
Yes, sir, on Twitter, there are now those with the chutzpah to call themselves the Original Tweeter—despite the paucity of any certifiable evidence to contest my claim to that honourable title. I am the Original Tweeter! Look for yourself on my Samsung Galaxy S II, and try not to avert your gaze:
Even more coveted than the blue checkmark! pic.twitter.com/PMJrt0cTSB
— Anil Dash (@anildash) January 24, 2019
Idk what the hell this is but you heard it here first folks, I'm an original tweeter pic.twitter.com/wzqr77gvqc
— chela (@akachela) January 24, 2019
aw thanks Twitter I appreciate you calling me an “Original Tweeter”
(seriously though what is that?) pic.twitter.com/IBpqcOIBYK
— Chuck Wendig (@ChuckWendig) January 24, 2019
Tf does that mean “original tweeter” pic.twitter.com/zajDwyxW3s
— (@briansOtherLeg) January 24, 2019
UM what does “original tweeter” mean? pic.twitter.com/ZmwuU4VwZd
— Molly Jong-Fast (@MollyJongFast) January 24, 2019
original tweeter, do not steal pic.twitter.com/DhHG8umyss
— Alissa McAloon (@Gliitchy) January 24, 2019
"Original Tweeter, " huh? I guess that's how they'll fix this thing. pic.twitter.com/LwRkr4T5QS
— Frederic Lardinois (@fredericl) January 24, 2019
Feeling owned as hell pic.twitter.com/kHxxaW4Gnz
— Ashley Feinberg (@ashleyfeinberg) January 24, 2019
those of you with high standards for jokes are going to want to mute the words “original tweeter” ASAP
— Nitsuh Abebe (@ntabebe) January 24, 2019
YOOOO TWITTER LETS YOU KNOW WHO THE ORIGINAL TWEETER NOW??!??!! NO MORE STEALING TWEETS BITCH
— $av (@TrilloIogy) January 24, 2019
DO YALL SEE THAT “ORIGINAL TWEETER” MESS
— grace (@peachcentral) January 24, 2019
Is this illogic? Madness? A simple UI change to designate which user started a thread? Or have the various gas-bags and money-men which run this damnable site simply thrust a blackheart’s dirk in my back?
My god, man, shall they have me introduce myself at this year’s Shorty Awards as the Original Original Tweeter? Ridiculous!
I see you, too, have grown irritated at this outrage, and animatedly so! I shall leave you with your newspaper, sir, but rest assured that this affair will be addressed at the highest levels—mayhaps I will even write off a tweet directed at @jack himself. Yet I have a parting question. I am intrigued by this periodical you hold. What, per se, is Naughty Neighbours?
Featured image: Brendan Smialowski (Getty Images)