Hmmm, I'm getting notes of sandalwood, rosemary and a hint of boiled cabbage…
We kid you not; there are people out there being paid to smell others' farts and diagnose physical health based on their various odours. And not only that, it pays well, with reports of professional fart smellers in China being paid up to £31,000 per year.
Think you've got what it takes to hone your hooter and examine anal emissions? Read on.
According to Chinese news sources, the hottest career in health and physical well-being right now focuses entirely on analysing the smells of others' rectal gas.
By picking up on traces sweet, savoury, bitter and even meaty aromas, these brave anal analysers are allegedly able to identify illnesses and pinpoint their location in the body.
According to the smellsperts, extremely stinky farts indicate bacterial infection in the patient's bowels or intestines. A raw, fishy or meaty smell, meanwhile, could point to infection in the digestive organs or even highlight the presence of bleeding or tumours in the intestinal lining. Finally, the presence of garlic or chives in our farts is thought to be an indicator that we're consuming too much of the foods in question, which could ultimately result in inflammation of the small or large intestines.
But it's not just the whiff of our farts that gives telltale signs about our health. The group also claims to be able to tell a lot about a person's physical wellbeing by measuring the amount of gas expelled with each fart, with enormous guffs suggesting that we're consuming too much fibre and mere whispers hinting at intestinal obstruction.
A "professional gas smeller" as shown on Chinese TV. We'd want goggles, too…
But before you pack your bags and move to China to seek your fortune, you should know that it's not all fun and games in the world of anal aroma analysis!
Those hoping to break into the industry must be aged 18-45, completely abstain from smoking and alcohol, and be free of any kind of nasal impairment or related illness. If you fit the bill, you must then undergo a series of smell recognition tests and complete a long training course. Only then, ladies and gentlemen, only then will you receive your certification to smell other people's farts on a daily basis!
Sounds like a pretty awful career to us, but then again, after spending the day with your nostrils filled with noxious gas, everything else in the world must smell like a trip to the Body Shop with rose petals stuffed up your nose…