Blackmailers Are Threatening Red Bull With Poop-Tainted Cans

By Ashley Feinberg on at

Downing an ice cold Red Bull for your morning pick-me-up? Swallow now. Because apparently, your energy drink of choice has found itself the victim of some good, old-fashioned poop extortion.

For the last several weeks, the faecal-minded perpetrators have, according to Red Bull, been threatening to replace untainted cans in supermarkets with their own shadooby-stained recipe. But don't worry just yet. Marcus Nehrer of the Salzburg Public Prosecutor's office has asserted that "up to now there has only been a claim of contamination," but all supermarket inspections of the product have turned up faecal-free.

And as far as demands, there's still no word on what these blackmailers are hoping to receive in return for kindly choosing not to defaecate in our beverages. The more troubling mystery, perhaps, is the fact that we also have no idea which stores are being targeted. But on the bright side: exciting! So for those of you that just can't quit, enjoy your Red Bull Roulette. The rest of us will be sticking to coffee for now. [AP]