Who's Just Pretending to Like Star Wars?

By Gary Cutlack on at

I'm always the contrarian, so let's get that out of the way. I hate all the popular things you like, so obviously I'm the go-to man for a thing saying the new Star Wars is rubbish. So here, let's do it. I'm not going to read the comments so you can't hurt me.

And you can't get angry about it either, because even Star Wars fans, the people who like the franchise the most and have the Monopoly to prove it, freely admit to there being only one and a half good films in the whole series. And they're nowhere near as good as the Wrath of Khan or Superman II when it comes to formative sci-fi experiences.

The Empire Strikes Back was quite good, they say, in relative terms, and A New Hope was the half good one. Half good, if you only compare it to the other Star Wars films and not proper films that are miles better.

Related: Watch the New Star Wars: The Force Awakens Trailer Immediately

The rest, that one with the teddy bears in the jungle that no sensible person has watched since 1987, the one with the wisecracking CG idiot, the other two prequels most sane people skip entirely... complete straight-to-digital-distribution rubbish.

Men in costumes, faux romanticism, it's-behind-you school play level acting, terrible plots, full of extremely boring and too-long bits -- and now with all-new soulless CG conflict where one CG thing fights another CG thing with no sense of peril whatsoever. Can't wait.

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An Ending That Sets Up The Sequel, Perchance?

The Force Awakens is too important a film, financially, to take any risks with today's blockbuster formula. It won't be arthouse. It won't be different. It'll be built to the same template as all current Hollywood sci-fi and superhero films, because they work, so best not change anything.

The stars have the same homogenised good/bad look as the stars of the hated Phantom Menace. There's your growling Vader replacement in black, the frowning hero -- they're making the same not-particularly-good 2.5/5 film again.

Related: Star Wars: The Force Awakens: All The Rumours, Leaks and Trailers So Far (Updated)

Which must mean everyone's only pretending to be excited about the new trailer, to cover themselves in case the film defies logic and actually turns out to be at least half good.

All I see in the Force Awakens trailer is your usual modern blend of lifeless CG combat, some people doing their confused/emotional/conveying-deeper-meaning faces and a plot that already makes no sense. It could be a trailer for a Terminator, or Aliens, or Avatar 2, such is the generic good/bad brooding vibe it gives off.

And here's a thing; why not wait to see if it's any good before buying your tickets? How about waiting for some reviews and, if it's not very good as is statistically quite likely given the average critical reception afforded to the bulk of the series, not going to see it? Because, if you see it, and it's rubbish or the same film again, won't you feel ripped off and silly?

That's not to say it'll necessarily be bad. The Force Awakens might be perfectly acceptable in the same 65/100 fashion as the rest of the series, although I'm more excited about the postman coming today because I bought some hooks on eBay and the shed's looking tidier than ever.