John Lewis Cynically Manipulates Emotions to Sell You Shit

By James O Malley on at

It's that time of the year again. Retailer John Lewis has just published this year's Christmas advert and it is as insufferable as ever.

"Hey, why don't we do an acoustic, breathy cover of a well known song? No one has done that before", suggested one advertising executive last June, when brainstorming ideas for a new advert. And with that, the path was set in motion for John Lewis to attempt to see if lightning does indeed strike for the 9th time since 2007.

The new advert, which you can see above features a child with an inexplicably powerful telescope attempting to communicate with an old man who hasn't died of asphyxiation despite living on the Moon, set to the tune of Noel Gallagher picking up a tasty licensing fee on Half the World Away.

Predictably, the reaction on social media has been full of the credulous explaining that they have cried at the advert despite it being the most transparent attempt at provoking a reaction since Russell T Davies cranked up the volume and screamed "YOU NEED TO CRY NOW, IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE BUT WE'RE TELLING YOU TO CRY" at the audience of Doctor Who every damn week.

The advert follows last year's offering that featured a penguin, and the one from 2011 which featured dead dog's head in a box.

Obviously we're not being taken in by this consumerist crap one bit; if you want to know more you can find us standing in the queue outside the Apple Store waiting for the iPad Pro.