A Vibrating Penis Ring Caused a Mass Evacuation in a German Town

By Aatif Sulleyman on at

With the world on high alert after the recent atrocities in Turkey and Belgium, people have understandably started overreacting to pretty much everything. A few weeks back, a large chunk of Liverpool Street was evacuated because of a... Deliveroo bag, and this week, a town in Germany took things to a new level.

A worker at an arcade in Halberstadt called in the coppers after hearing unusual “ticking and humming” sounds coming from a bin in the men’s loos. Naturally, a bomb disposal team was called on to the scene, and nearby buildings were evacuated. However, after three hours of painstaking work, the officers discovered that the suspicious item was actually an unwanted cock ring. Not a bomb, but still pretty terrifying.

“In these cases there are clear guidelines for police to implement with all associated measures,” said Peter Hartmann, a spokesperson for Saxony-Anhalt Police. “So the amusement arcade... was immediately evacuated and the road was closed. It was also necessary to evacuate around 90 employees of surrounding business and shops.

“But instead of finding an explosive device in the toilet bin, they recovered a battery-operated sex toy, which sounded particularly loud because of the bin’s resonance.”

However, that’s not the end of the matter. The red-faced police are now determined to hunt down the person who threw away the sex toy, with Hartmann confirming that a criminal investigation is underway.

You can imagine his first conversation behind bars if he was to go down.

A: What are you in for?

B: Murder. You?

A: Binning a cock ring. Don't fucking mess.