BBC Launches Kids-only iPlayer App

By Gary Cutlack on at

The BBC has released its iPlayer Kids app for a range of mobile operating systems, one that takes all the tantrums out of finding CBeebies and CBBC content. All a child has to do now is prise the phone/tablet out of mum or dad's hand for long enough to boot it up.

Available for iOS, Android and Kindle Fire formats, iPlayer Kids is the last babysitter a distant parent could ever need, offering access to over 10,000 episodes of child-friendly content, and no worry that they're going to stray into the shirt-off, tits-out, why's-he-hurting-that-lady? action of The Night Manager once whatever low-grade CG rubbish they're currently staring at has finished.

Here it is. Imagine looking at this, alone, hunched up on the floor next to the plug socket, through a smudged piece of glass covered in smudges of cheese, eternally buffering because dad's busy pwning noobs in Fallout 4 in his "office" in the corner of his bedroom and mum's on Facebook again, for ever. That's the children. The poor, poor children:

Four years old and already on the scrapheap. Alphablocks had better be doing a good job, because no one else is interested in teaching them anything about the world. Age filters and profiles mean the app should suggest age appropriate content based on whichever kid managed to seize possession of the device and lock themselves in the bathroom with it, plus the same offline caching and 30-day download window features as the existing version of the iPlayer apps make it ideal for shutting kids up should you be the sort of evil parent who makes them go out and sit in the car or on a train for hours.

Mum and dad will be left alone to relax for hours too once it's on, as there's a "safety lock" to ensure any outgoing links are disabled and the kids are stuck in their safe little world as their bodies and fine motor skills wither away, like in The Matrix, plus being the BBC and in the UK, there's no advertising in it. Which will disappoint them, as kids really love the funny animating drivel chucked in their faces by the brands who would indoctrinate them. [BBC via BTVN]

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