All the Best Gifts for the Person That Hates Themselves

By Tom Pritchard on at

So 50 Shades Darker, the sequel to 50 Shades of Grey just hit cinemas. The consensus is that it's absolute drivel, but people are bound to go and see it anyway. Because they hate themselves, they're masochists, they were duped into thinking it's good, or because they were forced to.

The good news is that if you, or someone you know, falls into one of the first two categories, you don't need to resort to supporting shitty cinema. You can buy some of these things instead. Just don't expect any BDSM-type stuff. This isn't that kind of website.

Also, coincidentally, today is Valentine's Day, so think of this as our anti-Valentine's gift guide of sorts.

1000 Piece White Jigsaw, £17

You know what's worse than struggling with a jigsaw? Struggling with a jigsaw that has no points of reference, because the whole thing is completely blank. Seriously. This is bound to cause a good number of people to pull out handfuls of hair in rage. [Buy it here]

Twilight Box Set, from £7

The Twilight books were no gift to the literary world, but the films were so much worse. It didn't help that the people in them didn't actually like the source material. I did mention that you don't have to support shitty cinema, but with the Twilight franchise the damage has already been done. So feel free to suffer through four dreadful films. [Buy it here]

Atlas Shrugged, £7.69

A book that pops up on a lot of 'challenging reads' lists, and could be made even worse if you don't happen to subscribe to Ayn Rand's politics. Economic libertarianism can be a little tricky to get behind at its mildest, let alone when you go to the Rand end of the spectrum. Plus, this bastard has a 70-page speech. Seventy pages. Not one for the faint of heart, or someone with better things to do. [Buy it here]

Wasabi Toothpaste, £6.82

Cleaning your teeth should be done twice a day, but could you stomach it if your toothpaste was infused with the overpowering taste of wasabi? Only a real masochist could manage that. [Buy it here]

Carlsberg Special Brew (4 Pack), £14.28

It may have a ridiculous amount of alcohol in it, as far as beers go anyway, which makes it great for getting drunk on. But Special Brew does have that stigma of being associated with the vagrants of society, so it's not the kind of thing most people would like to be seen drinking. [Buy it here]

Sugar Free Gummi Bears (3KG), £14.11

If you've ever seen some of the reviews on these things, you'll know why only someone with a severe dislike of their own well-being would ever want to eat these. For most people sweeteners aren't that bad, but they can have a laxative effect and if you eat far too many then these are going to make your life an utter nightmare. [Buy it here]

Black Zambuca, £10.79

Nobody sober drinks Zambuca. Only people completely off their face even consider the idea, because it's disgusting stuff. It's sticky, so viscous it gets everywhere, it stains and is impossible to clean up properly, as well as the fact that it tastes like liquorice. Most people hate liquorice, which adds insult to injury here. [Buy it here]

Megaminx Puzzle, £13

What if a Rubik's Cube wasn't a cube? What if it was a pentagonal prism? As if the cube version wasn't hard enough, this bastard is going to be an absolute nightmare to get back into place. Or you could always buy a regular Rubik's Cube and swap the stickers around to drive them round the bend. They'll love it! [Buy it here]

Justin Bieber: My Worlds, £4.49

This is self explanatory. It's Bieber. Only an idiot would actually enjoy this for what it is, and not the pain that it causes. [Buy it here]

Mini Poo Soaps, £4

Give them these poo emoji mini soaps, and they can wash their hands with shit every single day. [Buy it here]

Billy the Bass, £26

This thing has a motion sensor and sings every time someone walks past. It's enough to drive anyone mad, especially if you put it somewhere important - like in front of the bathroom. If you've ever seen The Last Man on Earth, you know exactly how much suffering these things can cause. [Buy it here]