A man's hedge lady is being assaulted by drunk people, who routinely mount the ornate carving at all hours of the night on their way home from wherever currently sells the cheapest beer in Sheffield.
The BBC's Sheffield and South Yorks team reported on the pain of gardener and topiarist Keith Tyssen, who says he's often woken in the night by the sounds of laughing and rustling, as drunken passersby simulate sex with the "privet lady" he's cut into his frontmost bush. It's probably his own fault for carving a sexy lady out of privet, though, and it sounds like most people are only pretending to have sex with it anyway. So it's not that bad. There's nothing to clear up the next morning.
Also, in a pleasing nod to modernity, Keith says it's not always a man doing the pretend humping of his hedge lady, as he's occasionally witnessed women mounting the bush and having a go on it too. "I just peered out at about 04:30 in the morning and there was a guy on top of her and going through the motions of having sex with her," he said, adding "It makes me feel a bit sick, really. That's just not the way to behave – in lots of ways." [BBC]
Featured image: Still from BBC video