PornHub Has Made an Album to Bone To

By Holly Brockwell on at

If you've ever been the nominated DJ for your scheduled long-term-relationship obligation-bang, you'll know how hard it is to pick an appropriate musical soundscape for sexual congress.

For instance, I once put on this appropriately-named but it turns out far too cinematic album, and found that swelling vocal choruses of "ahhhhh, ooooh" should only come from the participants, not your speakers. It's downright offputting.

PornHub reckons they've solved the problem for you with their new Valentine's Day album, which features lots of people we've never heard of – probably because we're old and uncool rather than any fault on their part.

Pornhub, the premiere online destination for adult entertainment, today announced the debut of its Valentine's Day album in partnership with Create Music Group featuring songs from well-known musical artists including Blac Chyna, Tekashi 6ix9ine, PnB Rock, Lil AK, Lil Xan, Asian Doll and 24hrs & MadeinTYO that are guaranteed to set the mood for the holiday of love.

Just kidding, we have obviously heard of Blac Chyna. It's what goths put on their wedding registries, right?

The album starts with a track including the word "Skit," which frankly is not encouraging. It turns out to be Blac Chyna herself talking about Pornhub and what she'd like done to her various ladyparts this Valentine's Day. After that, it's lots of generic-sounding rap and R&B that we didn't find arousing so much as confusing, but then this probably isn't aimed at technology journalists in their thirties.

Corey Price, VP of Pornhub, comments between tracks:

"To help ease the stress of planning the perfect Valentine's Day, we wanted to show our fans some love by curating an album so seductive that it would make Cupid himself blush – and is guaranteed to end your night with a bang.

With over 100 million people visiting Pornhub daily, we know what gets people in the mood. When you feel like the night is about to reach its crescendo, dim the lights and throw this album on. You'll thank us later."

Will we though?

The album is streaming on pretty much every platform ever – even Deezer. You can listen to it here.

As part of the celebrations, Pornhub Premium (that means no ads, plus HD and VR content) is free today. Lucky, lucky us.