Scientists Declare Nessie Was/Is Probably an Eel

By Gary Cutlack on at

Researchers who analysed DNA material floating about in Loch Ness did not find any long-lost dinosaur code in the water, but they did find evidence of some wiggling creatures that may well have been mistaken for the beast in the past: eels.

That's the barnstorming anti-climax to the creature hunt organised by New Zealand's University of Otago, which attempted to categorise every living thing in the loch by logging all of the DNA found in water samples. Professor Neil Gemmell kindly and calmly explained that there are definitely no monsters or even anything particularly large in Loch Ness, explaining: "So there's no shark DNA in Loch Ness based on our sampling. There is also no catfish DNA in Loch Ness based on our sampling. We can't find any evidence of sturgeon either. There is a very significant amount of eel DNA. Eels are very plentiful in Loch Ness, with eel DNA found at pretty much every location sampled – there are a lot of them. So – are they giant eels?"

Probably yes then, that's about as exciting as it gets. The Scottish tourist board will be attempting to bury these findings in time for the 2020 season, and will be sending out an intern in a wetsuit to make unusual shapes somewhere visible from the A82. [BBC]