Vagina Emoji Proposal Misses the Entire Point of Everything It's Trying to Challenge

By Shabana Arif on at

I don't know about you, but I often lament about the lack of emojis out there representing my vagina. It's devastating, frankly, and has taken a huge toll on my very soul, but I don't have to worry anymore.

The fun thing about having your sex bits on the inside is that companies are more than happy to champion what they think are accurate representations of them, because they'll instantly be celebrated, as opposed to trying to get picture perfect dickmojis into circulation, which would be met with alarm to say the least.

Take this ambiguous, pink, perfectly symmetrical emoji that could be mistaken for lady flaps if you squint real hard and have never been presented with a face full of pussy before. And in honour of Sexual Health Week, which kicks off on Monday, health and wellbeing company Elvie is submitting a proposal - the world's first apparently - for a vulva emoji. Check out how accurate is it. It's like someone heard a vague description of one woman's fanny when they were drunk one time at a bar five years ago, and was asked to shit out an idea for an emoji based solely on that in under 30 seconds. Impressive stuff.

You can use this in all sorts of scenarios. Sexting? Why not spice things up with something that looks like a badly decorated Easter egg and is neither silly enough to be cute, or realistic enough to be of any use to anyone. Talking about period cramps and flow with your buds? Send an emoji of a pink clam so they can picture the river of blood seeping out of your womb presumably, or imagine your vulva cramping... because that's a thing that happens. I don't know what the purpose of this is honestly, other than trying to rustle up some positive press.

Laughably, the company's spin on this is that it's taking "a bold step in the name of fighting taboo and helping women better communicate about their health." It goes on to say that using emojis like the tulip, taco, cat etc "can actually do damage by trivialising the vulva and leaving room for misinterpretation." Texting "Eat my cat" to someone leaves little room for misinterpretation in my book, but you do you.

CEO and founder of Elvie, Tania Boler, said, “For centuries, women’s health has been plagued by misconceptions and stigma. We should be able to talk openly about our bodies and womanhood. Emoji is a universal language used all over the world and it’s about time that language had a symbol for the vulva.”

Here's my take on what's damaging and trivialising. Suggesting vulva should all be pink, perfect, and uniform. Let's cut the shit here for a moment. Vaginas come in an array of shades, shapes, and sizes, and this little pink oval is doing fuck all in fighting taboos. In an effort to jump on the feminist bandwagon, this ridiculous piece of garbage is itself doing more harm than good, setting unrealistic expectations and standards for women who - by Elvie's own account - are already embarrassed by their genitals, and the men that will be seeing it. It's the bullshit behind the proposal that's the issue here, not the emoji itself.

So it can take its own damaging and trivialising emoji, that's going to do far more harm than a sodding cat based on the company's own polls, and shove it up its taco.