Halloween Trick or Treat 'Treats' Ranked

By Tom Pritchard on at

Halloween is here, and with it comes all the trick or treaters knocking on your door. All the kids dress up in their costumes to beg for sweets, and all the chavs come round in the laziest possible outfits to see if you're giving out money. Naturally, though, the stuff that's handed out by the people answering the door really varies in quality. Some of it is good, some of it is bad, most of it is just ok. In case you're on the hunt for free stuff, or thinking about handing things out, we've ranked all the things you could be giving out or receiving.

9. Toothbrushes and Other Dental Supplies

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You know what's worse than getting nothing, or the house that never answers the door? The house that hands out toothbrushes, toothpaste, and other dental hygiene products. They're not common, but it's like spending Christmas Eve with Ebenezer Scrooge. It's a buzzkill, they know they're being a buzzkill, and it just puts a downer on things.

You know who you are, and the only way things could be worse is if someone handed out bibles or lectures to prospective trick or treaters. Pretty sure those people don't actually exist though.

8. Getting Nothing

It sucks going to a house that doesn't answer the door, or worse answers the door and doesn't give you anything at all. But you have to move onto other houses that are feeling a bit more generous. It happens, but at the end of the day at least you didn't walk off with a travel-sized toothbrush.

7. Loose Sweets

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A handful of smarties, M&Ms, or something like that. It's sugar, but it's sugar handed out in the grossest way possible. At least package them up in little zip-loc bags!

6. Fruit

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I don't mean the fancy chocolate or caramel-covered kind of fruit here, because while not as good as a solid bar of chocolate that's still sugary junk. I mean actual fruit. Apples, bananas, grapes, shit like that. The modern take on Halloween is supposed to be about gorging yourself on crap (much like every other holiday), and the so-called 'healthy options' just don't cut it. Obviously it's not as bad as literal toothpaste (anything sweet is better than nothing), but it's still pretty crappy.

5. Raisins

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Nature's Candy, as they were described by Rob Lowe on Parks and Recreation, Raisins are only a small step above regular fruit. Plenty of people have an irrational hatred of raisins, and even though I don't think they're that bad, we have to take that into consideration. That said, their compact and sugary forms put them a step above regular fruit. There's no waste, obviously, and they're much easier to consume en-masse. Plus the dehydration unlocks some of the sugar, so they're sweeter than regular grapes. They're still kind of a bummer, but we're getting there.

As long as it's packaged though. Nothing is worse than loose raisins.

4. Candied Fruit

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Toffee apples are a staple of autumn and Halloween, and coating fruit in sweet, sticky, sugary goodness makes it infinitely better. Toffee, chocolate, caramel, sprinkles, syrup, whatever the hell you can lay your hands on. Sure, it's tricking small children into eating fruit, but at least they get something enjoyable to go with it. Unlike normal, non-coated fruit.

3. Fun Size/Share Size

Fun size is a bit of a misnomer really, because smaller portions are no more 'fun' than their full-size counterparts. Fun size or share bags are not the best things you can get on your doorbell-ringing exploits, but all that stuff adds up over time. Not as much as full size stuff, but hey. But at the end of the day sugar is sugar, and chocolatey or gelatinous sugar is waaay better than getting it out of boring old fruit.

2. Money

20p? But you wanted chocolate! But, as the Simpsons told us, money can be used to buy many chocolates.

And the good news is that after big chocolate-based holidays all the themed stuff ends up getting discounted to make way for the next holiday. Sure it's nicer to get some actual treats, but if you have a bit of money you can buy all sorts. Assuming it's not just a piddly pile of coppers.

1. Full Size Chocolate Bars

While nobody is going to be giving out full size bags of Haribo, or the big share bags of Buttons, there are always the people that dish out the full size chocolate and sweets. We're talking Mars Bars, rolls of fruit pastilles, and all that stuff. They're not as big as they used to be, probably I haven't checked properly, but they're still better than 'fun size'. Those are the kind of people that will get into heaven, if you believe in that sort of thing, and they're definitely worth keeping a note of so you can go back in future years and claim that sugary goodness once again.

Featured image by Haley Phelps on Unsplash