As we approach the holiday season, spare a thought for those cowards spending Crimbo with dead weight SOs rather than going through a pre-Xmas breakup.
Maybe you're one of those yellow-bellies yourself, rationalising your wait until the New Year to slough off your not-so-significant other as a way to avoid dealing with unwanted drama in the few days off you have from work when all you want to be doing is gorging on snacks and hanging out with someone you can at least half stand during the annual pilgrimage to your hometown. However you spin it, you're stuck with this loser until you find the balls to cut them loose, which means you're going to have to splash out on a selection of Christmas gifts.
The trick is not getting anything too thoughtful or expensive; now might even be the perfect time to start dropping the breakup breadcrumbs so that your future ex can look back on this holiday when ruminating on how it all went wrong, and spot the signs that they'll be too enamoured with you to see when tearing open their pressies next to the tree this Christmas. The poor fools.
Practical gifts that aren't too personal are key, and here are a few ideas to get you started.
Image credit: Amazon
The trojan horse of gifts - on the face of it, this looks thoughtful, generous, and tailored to your definitely-not-for-life partner's interests, but buy a card for the right amount, and it's a sign that you've given up on trying altogether. Forgo the more generous denominations that will actually cover the cost of a game or even DLC; grab one for a fiver and watch the recipient's face fall as realisation dawns. It'll be like a dry run for when you tell them that the life they'd envisioned for you both isn't going to happen after all.
Image credit: Firebox
This is as close to legal weed as you're going to get - so not close at all - and comes off as a whimsical, cutesy gift on the surface. On closer inspection of course, it's terrible. Being 100 per cent above board means that all the fun aspects of partaking have been sucked out, leaving you with a big, stupid bottle of gin with a cannabis leaf on, that will leave the recipient in the position of delivering the bad news to hopeful guests. The best part of gifting this over the holiday period is that you can encourage your beau to chug it down, inevitably leading to them snoozing away the afternoon/evening in an armchair somewhere and giving you a break from feeling guilty about pressing the nuke button on your floundering relationship.
Image credit: Amazon
"Don't read too much into it, it's just a novelty pillow. Shaped like half a human torso with an arm to wrap around you for when I'm out of town. Hahaha!" Oh how we laughed when this made an appearance amongst the pile of presents! This little beauty doubles as a silly sweet present and a coping mechanism for when you break things off. Those cold nights without you will be a little bit warmer with a fabric substitute filled with stuffing and more love than you could ever muster. As an added bonus, it comes in two variants - boobs, and no boobs. Or if you turn it upside down and pretend that the arm is a grotesquely twisted leg, balls, and no balls.
Image credit: Firebox
If you want to give your almost-ex something to remember you by, you can't go wrong with a fiery backside that burns with the intensity of a thousand suns. There are lots of chilli-infused food and drinks out there, so you want to pick the most appealing delivery option available to you, to ensure maximum consumption. This is where the Instant Regret chilli chocolate bar comes in, aptly named for the shambles that your relationship has become. Pass it off as a novelty gift, or something you thought they might like because you saw them glance at a bottle of chilli sauce in the supermarket that one time. Described as "extraordinarily hot" you'd better make sure you definitely want out, because there'll be no coming back from this.
Image credit: PrettyLittleThing
Just as the coldest person in the relationship saps out the heat from the snuggly warm one, so the tiniest person steals the clothes of the larger one - so much so that the 'boyfriend' jeans or jumpers are now a fashion statement unto themselves. You're going to want to preemptively get your clothes back before sacking off your relationship and it becomes too late, and what better way than to supplant the hoodie your tiny person has commandeered with this new, very fashionable alternative. You can even give it a spritz with your scent to make it seem like an even more thoughtful, caring gift, you heartless son-of-a-bitch.
Image credit: Amazon
Once you pack your things and part ways, your'll no doubt be missed - unless you're a real arsehole. Either way, why not splurge on one pricey, if rather sad gift - a robotic dog companion that'll be a damn sight more excited about being on the receiving end of your definitely-not-the-one's affections than you are. This £170 monstrosity is furry, soft, makes all the right puppy sounds, and even has a creepy simulated heartbeat. It's better than a real animal that you'd have to argue over when you actually split, and as a token of consideration for your almost-ex, it's not actually alive, so they can't kill it through neglect when they're wallowing about, pining after you.
Image credit: Fitbit
A fitness band will start paying off post-breakup, when your ex gets a drastic haircut and suddenly finds the motivation to get their arse into shape. The gift itself may be just the ticket to initiate a breakup conversation for you, if you're struggling with your inability to be a grown up and cut the cord. Getting someone a Fitbit they haven't asked for could be misconstrued as telling them that they're a giant lump, and is only a step away from a gym membership on devastation scale. There are loads to choose from, ranging from the brand new Fitbit Versa 2 for £199.99 to the much cheaper Xiaomi Mi Smart Band 4 for just £35. Godspeed with this one.
Image credit: Amazon
Only an absolute cretinous fucking idiot would dream of pulling a prank like this, but seeing as you've got nothing to lose, today, you are that idiot. This is definitely going to end in tears; theirs, yours, parents-in-laws, so involve as few people as possible and get to the reveal sharpish, so that your terrified SO can pummel the crap out of you and be on their merry way before the Christmas turkey gets pulled out of the oven. Judging from the reviews, they seem to do the job, but we advise you have a serious think about this before 'pranking' anyone and becoming that guy.
Image credit: Love Yourself
Is there anything that screams single and not-quite-ready-to-mingle like ready meals for one? There are loads of food subscription boxes out there, but not all of them cater to single individuals, and with a name like Love Yourself, we had to opt for this one to go under the tree. This gift is the ultimate in foreshadowing, and if your soon-to-be ex isn't completely oblivious, it's a pretty big hint too: "Love yourself, because I don't". It's even calorie controlled for dieters, for an extra layer of dickishness. But at least you can rest easy knowing that they'll be eating properly once you shatter their life into a million pieces, so you're not all bad. Or so you keep telling yourself.
Image credit: Fleshlight
Men's sex toys have somewhat of a stigma attached that seems to be absent when it comes to the fairer sex, even when faced with a display of thick, vein-riddled dildos in an array of fleshy shades and sizes, proudly rearing up from a pair of silicon balls. And frankly, the Fleshlight Launchpad does little to improve their reputation, letting them fuck the shit out of their tablet with all the poise and dignity that affords. Popping this in your boyfriend's stocking is a very strong hint that there's some solo sex time on the horizon. If you're buying for a lady, this realistic suction cup dildo in neon pink, balls and all, will relay the same message.
Image credit: Unsplash
You really have just run out of fucks to give, haven't you? If this option appeals to you, why didn't you just nip this in the bud before the holidays, you absolute maniac? On the other hand, this is the perfect opportunity to break the news that you're a free agent, although you might get dumped before you've had the chance to get a word in, but if it's come to this, that's probably what you wanted all along, you gutless wonder.
Hopefully, you can ride out the holiday and go your separate ways, with your ex getting a lucky escape from the type of cretin who has to consult a list like this in the first place.
Feature image credit: Unsplash