It's nearly Christmas! At least according to our inboxes, which are bizarrely full of references to "last minute" gifts when we've barely got past the first minute ones.
That, of course, means gift guides. And we've got plenty of those for you. But this year we wanted to join in with the great and honourable media tradition of splitting present suggestions by gender for no real reason at all. It's definitely not sexist though, because while the premise of men and women liking particular things purely because they're men and women is inherently flawed and totally erases non-binary people, it's tradition. So therefore it must be fine.
Seriously, unless the gift is a willy warmer or something, you don't need to segregate it, and why do these guides always assume it's a hetero couple buying for each other?
Anyway, onto the presents. Men first because they're usually so marginalised.
Christmas present ideas for men from women
Male scientist tee, £21
Congratulate him on somehow managing to do actual science despite his puny, biologically inferior man-brain with this excellent gendered t-shirt from Man Who Has It All. Other options include Male Guitarist, Male Engineer and STEM Boy. [Get it here]
Hair removing light gun of doom, £300
No man wants unsightly hair to ruin his carefully-chosen Christmas outfit. Banish it forever (ish) with the Philips Lumea Prestige IPL cordless hair removal device, which has the added benefit of looking like a super-cool pew-pew laser gun to occupy his easily-distracted brain. It's also rose gold, to match all his favourite accessories. [Get it here]
iRobot Roomba S9+, £1499.99
Take some of the load off his shoulders without making any effort yourself with this pricey but oh-so-worth-it robot hoover. It'll clean the carpet for him, even dumping its contents into its own little bin that he only has to empty every few days – even he can manage that. It's also app-controlled so he can set it going while sitting on the sofa browsing Instagram, which is all he seems to do these days. [Get it here]
Nintendo Switch Lite, £199
Look, we all know men aren't proper gamers, let's not be ridiculous. But it's nice for them to feel like they can join in the fun, which is why Nintendo made a lighter, less capable console for their smaller, less capable hands. And it still plays all the same games! He won't even know he's being patronised, especially when you distract him with the gorgeous Turquoise and Yellow colourways. [Get it here]
Sleepy smart baby formula heater, £149
Childcare is hard work, or so men are always telling us, so give him a hand without actually using one of your own by buying him this delightful smart bottle warmer. It warms the water to just the right temperature while he sleeps, then it's just a twist and a shake to mix the formula together. It also works from a USB port, power bank or car charger, so he can use it on the school run. [Get it here]
OK, OK, that's enough ideas for the men, anyone will start thinking we're meninazis. On to the matriarchy.
Christmas present ideas for women from men
Women are like, genetically programmed to miss the toilet. It's a fact. If you're one of the many men sick and tired of cleaning up their floor pisses, get them one of these to light their way to a safe midnight wee. It has 9 colours so you can even match it to your carefully-chosen bathroom decor. [Get it here]
Amazon Echo, £90
She's busy and important, and while you might not be able to afford a personal assistant for her while you're a stay-at-home dad, you can get the next best thing. This smart speaker will give her a verbal assistant of her very own, and you can change the voice to male so she doesn't feel awkward ordering a fellow woman around. It comes in various colours including black and white, so it doesn't look embarrassingly fruity when her work colleagues come round for dinner. [Get it here]
Wireless charging bundle, £34.99
Women are no good with long, thin things - they just can't find them, no matter how many times you frustratedly give directions in the bedroom. So it's no surprise they're not big fans of charging cables. Give her this wireless charging double act and she'll never have to worry again, plus you can tell her it uses Anker PowerWave technology for better charging (don't worry, she'll know what it means). [Get it here]
DrinkShift smart beer fridge, £Lots
After a long day at the office, all she wants is a sit down and a nice cold beer. This incredibly fancypants smart fridge helps her live that dream, holding 14 beers and a chilled glass in its vacuum-insulated chamber. It counts down how many beers she's got left and can automatically order more from the cloud or the app, so she'll never get angry that you forgot to get more when you did the big shop.
A vibrator, £varies
Oh my god, do women ever shut up about sex?! Don't they know you're working flat-out being a parent and don't necessarily want to service their every need in the sliver of adult time you do get?
Help them pipe down, so to speak, with a really fucking good vibrator (pun intended). Sadly the Lora DiCarlo one deemed too raunchy by CES isn't available 'til January, so maybe just grab something off Ann Summers and cross your fingers it keeps her quiet long enough for you to finish the Christmas shopping. Hope this helped.