The first public hearings in the Trump impeachment inquiry begin today and they promise to be, if not explosive, then certainly mildly flammable, with Democrats and Republicans lining up on either side to tear a new dayglo-orange arsehole for or defend the US president to their dying breath. It’s bound to get ugly, and not only because most members of the US Congress look like they’ve just smelt a leak in their colostomy bag, so anyone tuning in would be forgiven for thinking inebriation will be the only way to make it through without throwing their TV/laptop/tablet/phone down the deepest hole they can find.
Thankfully, Giz UK has you covered. Announcing the official rules to the Donald J Trump Impeachment Inquiry Drinking Game.
Simple: get ready with your alcoholic beverage of choice, preferably not too boozy as the hearings are expected to run for a few hours, and drink the amount indicated whenever an offence is committed.
The hearings kick off today, with politics junkies this side of the Atlantic able to watch every second of the spectacle on BBC Parliament from 3pm GMT (10am EST) every day the hearings are held. First up is the House Intelligence Committee, which is due to hear evidence this week from three current and former US diplomats: William Taylor, George Kent and Marie Yovanovitch.
And remember, please drink responsibly. And if you can’t drink responsibly, film it and throw it up on YouTube. We need all the laughs we can get in these troubled times.
- Somebody mentions a transcript, Hunter Biden or the whistleblower.
- A Congressperson asks if there was any “quid pro quo.”Two fingers if they mangle “quid pro quo.”
- A spectator behind the witness rolls their eyes.
- A Congressperson cedes their time to a staff lawyer.
- A Republican bores on about due process. Three fingers if they call the inquiry a witch hunt too.
- Somebody correctly pronounces “Volodymyr Zelensky” – the emergence of details about the Ukrainian president’s July 2019 phone call with Trump is what started this impeachment investigation. As Eastern European leaders go, his name isn’t that difficult (hello, former Lithuanian prime minister Algirdas Butkevičius), but a US politician’s courage for attempting it should still be honoured.
- A Congressperson thanks the witness for appearing before the committee.
- An aide sitting passes their boss a note or whispers in their ear.
- A Congressperson refuses to stop talking after their time is up.
- Somebody reads aloud one of Trump’s tweets. Finish your drink if they read out a tweet the US president posts during the hearings.
- The words “conspiracy,” “cover-up” and “corruption” are uttered in the same sentence.
Finish Your Drink Offences
- The hearing is disrupted by a protestor. Finish two drinks if that protestor is Donald Trump or a member of his family (but only if it's not Eric).
- A Republican loses their temper. It’s a classic distraction technique that Lindsey Graham (R-Streetcar Named Desire) employed at the Brett Kavanaugh hearings and this time round all eyes are on Trump toady Jim Jordan (R-Blind Eye to Sexual Misconduct) to be the one who goes full Mel Gibson at a bar mitzvah.
Finish Your Drink, Start a New Drink, Finish That and Cry in the Corner
- Probably around hour three, when it becomes clear Trump is going to get away with his blatant subversion of the US constitution and its laws because every Republican in Congress is a spineless, partisan hack with the moral compass of, well, the current president of the United States of America.
Finish Your Drink, Empty the Local Off Licence, Then Check into A&E for Alcohol Poisoning
- Trump resigns during a Twitter tantrum.