Hardcore Elite Elm Squad Ready to Mobilise and Save the UK Countryside

By Gary Cutlack on at

The few elm trees that mysteriously survived the onslaught of Dutch elm disease in the 60s and 70s are ready to literally and metaphorically spread their seed across the land, as the result of selective breeding from these stocks appears to be a resistant or at least extremely tolerant elm that could, perhaps, take the place of the ash trees that are facing their own similar apocalypse.

The Future Trees Trust is backing the elm for a serious comeback in its Where we are with Elm report [PDF], saying that if all the random tree-lovers that have logged surviving examples were to come together and combine forces and rub their spores together, enough seedlings from surviving trees might be bred to repopulate the nation. Elm trees are hermaphrodite, we learned mere seconds ago, so they only really need to be wanked off into a pot of compost by a man wearing a green fleece in order to procreate.

Tim Rowlan, who possesses loads of stained green fleeces that say "Future Trees Trust" on them, said: "It's clear that there's a lot of love for elm and our report shows that there's much to be hopeful about. We now need to work together with all the other stakeholders to ensure the brightest possible hope for the return of this iconic species to our countryside." [Future Trees]