The year is over. Whoop-de-doo.
By now, it’s likely dawned on many readers that now is the time to start weighing what kinds of stupid personal vows you’re going to make to yourself for the coming calendar year. Maybe you’re looking for some kind of “resolution” to claim, even though your plan is to immediately bail. It’s good to have something for when that isn’t-it-a-beautiful-morning motherfucker at your job refuses to drop the subject.
Eating healthier or kicking that bad vape habit are, as far as bullshit resolutions go, totally fine (unless, of course, this nosy co-worker is some kind of Fitness Person). But it is also good to have a few attainable-sounding goals in your pocket as well.
Goals like “meticulously documenting all of your enemies.”
— Caroline Haskins (@carolineha_) December 13, 2019
Meticulously documenting all of your enemies is not only a smart-sounding goal but should you manage to follow through, it’s a sure-fire way to stop yourself from forgetting to think about all of your haters, every day. Keeping a weathered eye on one’s haters is the first step to becoming a hater oneself, which, as an aside, is another lofty goal you might consider next year.
Allowing all your haters to reside inside your head, figuratively speaking, of course, can help to nurture your own little bundle of hate, whose growth has become stunted inside you after years of pretending to be the kind of person who – as Doug Stanhope once put it – “feeds people chili dogs and lets shit slide.” Growing and eating your hate, as any human child past the age of five can tell you, is highly preferable to subsisting on the hate of other people.
In that way, it’s a little like smelling your own farts.
Your enemies are constantly scheming and they’re always talking about you. You’re practically the centre of their universe. The very least you could do, ya dick, is put them all on a neat list, keep it close at hand, and maybe stare at it in silence periodically throughout the day at least five times a week.
Featured photo: Jeff Chiu (AP)