Chelsea F.C. Opens a Vegan-Only Kiosk That Will Inevitably Piss Off Meat-Eaters Somehow

By Shabana Arif on at

In a move that is sure to be just as divisive as other inane things people argue about that have no real bearing on anything - like football - a vegan-only kiosk has appeared at Stamford Bridge.

Finding plant-based food on the menu at the home turf of Chelsea F.C. isn't new, and neither is a football club with an all-vegan kiosk thanks to Forest Green Rovers that was officially recognised as the world’s first vegan football club in 2017; but in an effort to make this out to be a big deal, Chelsea is being heralded as the first Premier League club to have a kiosk serving up purely vegan fodder.

Pre-empting the loonies out there who are consumed with such quandaries like 'why is it called a burger when there's no beef in it', or 'vegan food isn't healthier than meat, so why are you eating it?,' the managing director at the catering firm in charge of all this has stressed that the existence of the vegan kiosk in no way jeopardises those of the non-vegan ones. Where the fuck does this joker get off, am I right?

"We've seen real demand from fans for vegan food, so we just want to give it a try and say, 'hey, here it is, it's there if you want it'," said Jon Davies, completely ignoring the fact that catering to anyone but pudgy, balding, middle-aged meat-eaters who are more committed to a sports team than almost anything else in their life is unacceptable, frankly.

"This is about offering more choice rather than taking something away. We know a lot of fans won't go for it and the majority of people in the UK still eat meat. The football has always been about treating yourself and having an indulgent day. But we also see veganism is on the rise and we want to keep up. The food is still delicious and it's not necessarily healthier - it's just catering for those who want to cut down on meat. Everyone's aware of sustainability now."

Wow. It's like he hasn't realised that adding even a single vegan item to a menu is a judgement on everyone else's life choices, and must therefore be criticised to high heaven. Get your head in the game, Jon. Christ. We won't be happy until Greggs is starts calling its vegan sausage rolls 'plant-based tubes', and the entire lexicon with which we refer to food is overhauled so those filthy plant-eaters can stop co-opting our jargon. Serving up cauliflower wings, are you? Cauliflowers don't have wings. They can't even fly, Jon!

Alongside these delectable nibbles, you'll find vegan pizza, soy-based kebabs, and coconut halloumi wraps. And considering that Levy also caters for a number of other Premier League clubs, if the demand is there, you can expect to see plant-based products hit the menus there in time.

Davies is keen to point out that they're not "forcing the issue," adding "football is still about treats, still about having a day out and food should still be that way - what we're trying to do is show people they have a choice." Methinks thou dost protest too much. It's as if he thinks football fans are all batshit crazy. Weird.