This Massage Gun's Marketing Guy is Apparently the Dude Bro to End All Dude Bros

By Shabana Arif on at

We all love a good gadget, especially when it comes to health and fitness, but fuck me this company has missed the mark.

The Exogun Dream Pro is a portable massager that utilises percussive massage that's usually the forte of professionals. Typically, percussive massage uses strong, rapid, short-duration pulses to penetrate soft tissues and increase the blood flow to the area getting zapped, and doesn't sound at all like a vibrator, so don't even think about it.

The Exogun has a tonne of fancy features, like its ergonomic design, four massage heads, and six-speed setting allowing for a decent amount of customisation for your 'massage' (*wink*) but Christ alive! Everything about it screams dude bro to an absolutely laughable degree.

Take this ad for example. When I think 'massage' or 'sports injury' the first thing that springs to mind is not heavy drum beats and sick guitar riffs. This is so far removed from the product's designated function, it's stupid.

It gets worse. The slew of images accompanying the press release are filled with swoll dudes for the most part, and of the five images that feature women, they're draped over half naked men in two of them, and one of them's getting drilled up the arse. At least they've got the right idea for some alternative uses for the gadget. My very favourite is this guy.

"The name's Compensating. Over Compensating."

This is for buff dudes who will only use this solo or if there's a scantily clad woman around to give them a hand, because touching other men is gross. He loves banging tunes almost as much as the ladies, and is definitely not overcompensating for anything. If that sounds like you, you'll be thrilled to know that the Exogun Dream Pro is currently on offer, reduced from its usual £464 to a much more palatable £154. I don't know what that saving equates to in gym memberships, but you'll figure it out.