"It's come to this, like I knew it would. Since I'm now single for good, I know just what I gotta do -- I gotta go get myself a fucktonne of cats!"
So says Rachel Bloom in this delightful tune from Crazy Ex Girlfriend, which sums up my current romantic life depressingly well.
However, you don't have to be single or a cat person to need our best cat-based Valentine's suggestions this year. You might be buying for someone who adores their kitty more than life itself (more than you, let's be honest), or for extra brownie points, getting something for your significant other's cat directly.
Or, like me, you're just going to shower all your pussies with treats this V-Day. Take your pick.
1. Cattitude Box: Meowentines Edition
A subscription to the brilliant Cattitude Box is an excellent present for cat ladies (and it is ladies only currently, sorry cat-man-dudes) at any time of year, but they've really outdone themselves with the Meowentines Box.
It's about a 50/50 split between stuff for the human and the cat, all kitty-themed of course, and even includes a little Valentine's card that very accurately sums up how we feel about our floofy friends ("I love you so much I want to squish your face." Gently, obvs).
Get it here for £31.95 a month (but you can cancel after the February box if you want).
2. Cat's bum tissue holder
Whether you're cleaning up a poonami or sobbing after they pushed your whisky off a table, tissues are a frequent need in a cat house. This resin hanky holder takes a standard-sized tissue box and allows you to pull them out of the cat's back end, cleaner than they ever would be in real life.
Gross, but funny, and frankly the cat looks way too happy about the situation.
3. A personalised nom bar
Honestly, we're not sure you really need to remind a cat owner to feed the cat -- moggy will do that quite effectively all on its own, even if it was last fed three microseconds ago. SO HUNGRY! BOUT TO DIE!
Still, we like the funny captions on Amazon Handmade's feeders, made from sustainable bamboo with two removable stainless steel bowls. Presumably neither is for the goldfish.
4. Cat Selfie
This is completely ridiculous and just as ingenious. It's a little bell that you clip to the top of your phone and jingle around when you want kitty to look at the camera. It's a slight faff to put it on every time you feel the need for some Likes, but it really works -- our (extensive) trials have resulted in withering looks of disdain right down the camera lens every time.
5. Valentine's dinner
All the cats reading this are like "FINALLY, something edible, have you never met a cat before?!"
Settling in for a romantic dinner with your kitty is better for them if you actually get something intended for cats rather than trying to palm them off with a spoonful of risotto. This frozen raw meal comes in two tasty portions, with 100% British lamb and chicken plus veg, supplements and other wholesome cat things.
From £3.55 here depending on whether you go for Regular or Chonker size.
6. Tech21 custom phone case
Cat people secretly love it when randoms ask us about our kitties, and having a phone with our furry overlords on the back is a good way to make sure that happens (yes, I have one of Furious Maud). Walking around with your cat in a carrier also works, but that's a fair bit less convenient for both of you.
Tech21 make quality phone cases that we'd use anyway, but the custom option is a good way to showcase the very best photo you've ever taken of Floofs McGoo. They're up to 40% plant-based as well, so less plasticky than the usual fare.
7. Personalised deluxe fish hamper
This adorably fish-shaped hamper comes with a personalised gift card, boxed cat bowl, mini tennis balls, catnip toy, a mug for the human, and lots of tasty treats for kitty. But we all know the real present is the wicker basket it comes in, which puss will definitely try to fit into.
8. A bottle of Pawsecco
Not actually alcoholic...!
These two bottles of Pawsecco 'wine' are still cat drinks in white and rosé, "rich in vitamins, minerals and antioxidants." They probably won't get off their tiny faces on it, but you can pour it over food for a bit of excitement on Valentine's night.
9. A really good card
You can tell the team at Fuzzballs are cat people. With card selections including "I love you more than a cat loves a box," "I licked you, you're mine now" and the wonderfully positive breakup card "At least you'll have your cats," there are loads of ridiculously cute and very perceptive cards for all kinds of meowages (cat marriages? No? I tried).
£2.50 each here (and check out the rest of their lovely merch while you're there).
10. A Monster Mushion
I mean, it's a massive cushion with your pet's face on it. What could be more terrifyingly lovable than that?
£26.99 from here, but order ASAP.
May your Valentine's Day be happier than a cat who's just shat in a rice cooker.
Main image: Cattitude Box