Book Sales Rocket and Crime Drops as Even the Burglars Stay Home

By Gary Cutlack on at

The total reconfiguration of the entire country is continuing apace, with two separate batches of statistics showing that book sales have rocketed by enormous percentages, while the numbers of recorded crimes have plummeted too, because even the crack addicts are too scared to go rooting around strangers' houses at the moment, lest they infect themselves when pocketing a still-warm and recently-touched remote control.

Waterstones says online sales have rocketed by 400 per cent as book types got the message about not standing around in their preferred sections trying to look interesting, with the classic fiction section one particular beneficiary; as everyone, perpetually housebound now, thinks they'll suddenly magic up the determination and concentration required to get through the endless chit-chat of Mr Bennet of the Longbourn estate and his many eligible daughters, or tackle something as hardcore as Tess of the d'Urbervilles.

At the lower end of the socioeconomic spectrum the news is good too, as various police forces are reporting huge drops in crime stats – of as much as 20 per cent week-on-week thus far – as burglars stay home, violent drunks haven't got any open Wetherspoons' to hang around outside looking for someone who's looking at them wrong, and shoplifting has plummeted because there aren't many to go in any more, and those that are in operation are policed at the door. [Guardian 1 & 2]

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